How Well do You Know Yourself?...

I was at a long weekend getaway with some of my friends, I believe there were 11 of us. A weekend to remember no doubt, one of those that come along perhaps once in a lifetime if you're lucky and it doesn't happen to everyone, although those who understand the value of love and bond will make it happen. Why do some people do and others don't I really don't know the answer to that, but what I do know is that when something is important enough to us we make things happen and not everything is important to everyone.

We were an interesting bunch, we came from different backgrounds although somewhere along the way in our childhood our paths happened to cross and we became fond enough of those memories that we wanted to feel that same emotion that we do when people who share lifetime experiences with you come back into your life again. There's already that familiarity, the fond memories to relive, but we are actually making a new friendship, because the memories are lovely but we are living in this now reality that probably has nothing to do with who we were when our paths crossed for the first time.

It's funny because I don't remember us being a particularly close generation. As always there were little groups of friends within the generation who did frequent each other but as a whole we didn't promote many activities to do as a group other than what the school programmed as group activities.

Throughout the years these small groups kept contact with each other since they stayed and didn't move away, but I did, I left when I was only 23 and stopped seeing or knowing from any of them for years and one day I looked back and wondered what had happened to all of them. I really wanted to see how these children that were my little classmates once with the personality that I remembered had wound up as men or women.

This particular group  of 11 was chosen by the friend who organized this long weekend. His family has the most lovely farm in a town in México and Christmas was approaching. The farm has a large main house with several bedrooms and of course living room, dining room, gardens, an enclosed pool. It had other houses around with more bedrooms for guests and another one for the staff who took care of it all, the land, the houses and the animals.  It has a vast piece of land and there was even a stream that ran through the land, one of those places that comes out of your dreams.

The staff also took care of all the guests in this case our group, but I'm sure there have been many people throughout the years that visited there.

Our group couldn't have been more diverse, screen writer, producer,  psychologist, a police woman, a couple of teachers, an art dealer, several of them very wealthy and comfortable with their lives. I remember how I felt in that place, the same way I remember feeling when I was a child in my classroom sitting towards the back, I wonder what kept me sitting there? or what made it so that I would feel that same emotion again 50 years later?

I wanted to discover who they were as adults, it was a small group, we could have written a good screenplay of this magical long weekend because it was that, the fireworks in the center of town, the cemetery that we visited with the little old man who took care of it all these years. It was a cemetery for the British soldiers who once invaded that land. He told us the story that all the tombs had to face in a particular direction I believe it was facing the Queen or England. I couldn't stop taking pictures. My friend even found a tomb that belongs to a relative of his.

We visited a firework factory, went into town to watch the dances, the music and the always amazing Mexican food! My favorite.

We sat that one night around the fireplace and I said lets get to know each other, who are we now, what memorable thing has happened in your life since the last time we saw each other and they looked at me as if I had come from another planet, one challenged me and said you start so I did.

I talk about my life to anyone not because my life is a tragedy or important enough to anyone to know what I do with my days, is important to anyone other than me but because I feel that I have arrived at a place where I can see clearly that it is us who create our own reality and that love is all there is. It took me years of painful search to find that out and now I want to share it. The only way one can teach is through their own experience so I talk about my life with pride not to attract pity or any other emotion for that matter just to illustrate. I don't feel bad about my past, I loved that I lived it and am here to talk about it.

After telling them what my life path had been and where I was at the moment they all stared at me in silence and one of them broke the ice and said "Well not everyone is as comfortable sharing about themselves" another one chuckled at a comment I made, one who had NEVER even as much as glanced at me in all the years we've known each other said "Your efforts is what got us all together to begin with" as if aw poor thing don't feel so bad you did something right. One came to tell me you are behaving like a victim.

Of course nobody said anything about themselves after that, we all just kept on being these strangers that knew each other once. Some of them more because they kept in touch all these years.

I didn't feel the need to tell them I love my life, I don't care how you view it or how sorry you feel for me I love knowing that life experiences have a purpose, that we are not our ego, that we create our own reality, that we rejoice for the success of others, that we connect with others out of love not of fear or judgement. That we should help each other fulfill dreams.

Towards the end of the reunion the psychologist pulled me to the side with a lot of empathy to offer her help, I wanted to give her a hug and tell her don't worry I don't need any help I'm great but instead I listened to what she had to say and funny enough she asked me "How well do you know yourself?" I said I've taken the past ten years of aloneness to get to know myself better so I think I know myself fairly well, OK she said "can you describe the ridges of your fingerprints? any finger. Hm I thought, maybe I should just keep on looking for what's inside of me and see what else I can learn.

How well do you know what this life is all about, how much emphasis are you placing on finding that out while you're here, is there a purpose for you to be here? "How Well Do You Know Yourself!"...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

"It's Not About the Money!"...

It was raining hard this morning on our way to my husband's job. Early, cold, dark and rainy. We have a rental car while our 'Victoria' is at the Car Hospital being healed and having a little bit of "Plastic Surgery". I know she's going to look beautiful so that makes me happy and my husband is thrilled that for now we get to drive this brand new SUV. He is a big man so a car this size fits him perfectly, I on the other hand like small cars, easier for me to drive, to adjust, cheaper in gas and easier to find parking as I go from one place to another all day long.

On our way to work at 3:30 am I turned on the radio and this song was playing. I turned up the sound and started singing and moving along to the tune, you really can't help but do that, at least not if you're like me who carries music in my heart and listen for the sounds of life everywhere I Am.

I think the only people who don't believe that Happiness can't be bought no matter how much money you have are those who either have so much money they find ways of buying some of that instant gratification you can get with the money you have or they wind up identifying their self worth as money.  Or those who have never had enough money and they believe once they get it then they'll be happy. The question is, "Is that what Happiness is?"

So what if you lose that money and can't keep on buying that happiness, is happiness no longer something you can have if you don't get that money back? Can money always buy you happiness? ask the people in the Limelight, like Prince Charles and Princess Diana RIP, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, just a few of the many examples who not only have the money they have everything else too, the talent, the altruism, the following, the fame,  the respect, you name it they have it so why aren't they being happy?

Or what if you're so poor you win the lottery and you get the stuff you wanted and go to visit the places you dreamt of and once you do all you thought that would make you happy something happens that even your money can't buy. Do you then stop being happy? What if you're in the middle of acquiring all these things and going places and you realize it doesn't feel the way you thought it would when you were dreaming about it your whole life, what then, what do you aspire to next?

Look around you there is beauty everywhere. You may be challenged with anything, an illness maybe, a big loss, of a person, someone you loved, something material or a job. I say stay Happy while you are here, while you still have a body and a mind, keep on giving love to others, we are all going to die eventually, it's About the Here and Now, it's about The Music in your Heart. When you are happy money flows into your reality because you are not looking for it you are just making the most out of your life, it's just a consequence if you will to your state of being.

Listen for the music, but most of all feel it inside and you will see what Happy means... harmony, love, care, peace, joy and most of all no fear! The French call it  "Joie de Vivre!"...

And always remember that "It's Not About the Money!"...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Thanksgiving Celebration...

It turns out that our Cable company has been having problems with a line which happens to be the one that connects into our area, so the image is all pixelated on and off and they can't find where the fault is. They came, they fixed and they couldn't so while they are fixing their problem which causes us not to have TV when we want it while we are paying for it, they gave us 3 months free of HBO and wouldn't you know HBO works just fine, Hm!

So this morning I'm looking at the  HBO guide and they were showing a Drew Barrymore movie I saw and remembered liking years ago called "Getting in the Car with Boys". I knew the premise and some of the challenges but I really didn't remember the important parts so I kept on coming back to watch. I'm really not one to get hooked on watching TV, rarely turn it on if I'm alone, I rather listen to music or write and TV is a total distractor to that which I love to do.

This movie was different though, as if it was trying to remind me of something I had forgotten. I forgot how incredible it seems to me that we either cannot see the mistakes we are making along our path since we keep making them in different ways at every stage and we always find a way of justifying or we just cannot help ourselves and we are weak or fearful so we have to keep on doing the same things that we already know what the consequences are and handle them at the time, although when that time comes we can't handle the pain and break down, than try something totally new and different and take a chance at a better outcome.

If it's the first one that we are blinded to our own mistakes then I say ouch, because maybe there are a lot of people that chose to remain ignorant and just remain alive however but there are so many others that are intelligent, well read, smart, clever and you're going to tell me they can't see it? they're too afraid? too weak? How does that happen? Why does it happen?

This is a movie about a 15 yr. old girl who got pregnant by her boyfriend. Her dad was a policeman and mom was a loving stay at home mom and she decided to have the baby and winds up marrying the boyfriend who is and ends up always being a heroin addict. You should watch it, it has a good message.

The point here is that when I lived my life in the past before I realized it was I who was allowing all the chaos I remember very well many things I did within that perception and I remember well how I felt when I made certain major decisions, how I behaved, the choices I made, the risks I took and those I was too afraid to undertake and when I remember I actually feel the way I felt then only now I can see it so much better from this angle and let me tell you it's not easy to understand why I made some decisions I made throughout my life but I assure you that will never happen.

Thanksgiving was always and still is my favorite Holiday and one of the few I don't like to see pass without me celebrating it with anyone who happens to be around. In the past few years it has been my husband and I. He cooks these lovely meals for the two of us and I'm just the kitchen helper :) but this year will be different and I will be crossing a line off my "Bucket List!"

My daughter and her boyfriend will be flying in from Los Angeles and my son and his fiance will be coming from home which is just down the freeway and will bring with them their two adorable pekinese that I love and miss so much. I will be sitting around the table spending Thanksgiving with the three most important people in my life and their most important people, laughing, singing, playing guitar, breaking bread together like Poppo used to say, seeing pictures, exchanging ideas, playing board games and most of all being Thankful that we have this new opportunity after all these years to show each other how much love we have. Have the other one feel the love rather than just read about it or hear the words.

In the past it would've been perhaps just another Thanksgiving but I don't see it like that now, now I give thanks every day for everything I've experienced, everything that I Am and moreso for all that's yet to come.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Wherever you are may you surround yourselves with Love.

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Look She's Smiling...

Have you noticed that when something out of the ordinary happens to bring you to your awareness that the present moment is all there is that you begin to question your ability to control the emotions that don't serve you like fear?

Well that happened to me yesterday morning. I was out of the house before 7 am. I always give myself 1/2 hr. to get to the next appointment. I live in the neighborhood where I work so every place I need to go is no further than 15 mins. from my house, that way I can come and go in between appointments. I had to be at this school 13 mins. away from home at 7:20 am. so I left the house at 6:52. I still rely on my GPS to take me to some of the schools that are a little bit more hidden because I forget how to get there sometimes, the GPS shows you the fastest route when there is traffic and there is more than just one way to get there.

I was surprised that the GPS decided to send me through the riskiest route when there was this very large street that takes you there just as fast, so when I got to the intersection of whether to go left to the large street or take the GPS advice I hesitated and went right, I thought about it again but even so I still stayed the GPS route instead of the route my gut was telling me to take.

So I travel up that steep narrow street after crossing major upcoming traffic, I make a left and go up the hill, I cross another large street while my car is pushing its way up faithful to my command and I get to the really scary cross. It's so scary that there is a sign that says do not cross between 7 am and 4:00 pm and there I was at 6:59 am, took a deep breath, turned my face left there were a couple of cars racing down the hill, looked right cars looked far enough for me to go if the ones on the left passed me, so I put out my brand new little adorable car, the one that takes both my husband and I to work every day there and back, the one that takes me to all the schools and keeps me company in parking lots when I have to make time, the one that goes everywhere I tell him to without complaints and out of nowhere I hear a huge honk and feel and enormous rumbling and when I realized I was hit I saw it at that moment!

Nothing happened to me or to the woman who hit me, the car is a different story I'll let you see for yourselves.

The policemen were very kind and pleasant.They took my information, filled out a report, I called my insurance company and drove myself to the dealer.

Came home, handled the Insurance process and I noticed that every single person I had to go through in the different companies like the auto rental, the adjustor, etc. were helpful kind and sympathetic.

I made appointments for today to get the car appraised and a rental while our precious little car and faithful companion goes to the Car Hospital to get surgery for something I did or simply something that appeared in my reality to allow me to see that it can all end just like that, so why would I even spend one moment worrying about anything that happened or that is yet to come, why not just imagine the best and when that fatal crash does come they can close my eyes as I hear someone in the background saying "Look She's Smiling!"...

"Follow The Yellow Brick Road"...

I was thinking what to write about this morning, for me to write there has to be an idea first, a theme if you will, what point do I want to bring across. Sometimes the ideas flow and other times like today I can't think of a thing. So first I thought what makes me happy, thinking of those I love and knowing that my relationship with them is flourishing and when it doesn't, to be able to give them the space they need without judgement or resentment.

When I thought of that the first thing I did was go to send an e-mail to someone I hurt with no ill intention. It was important to me to do that before moving on with my day. Then I thought of what would I like to happen next in my experience, I'm happy with our home and our surroundings at least till the end of the lease, I love our apartment its just that I see a house in our ultimate experience so I just wonder when that will come. I always love that feeling of expectation you get when you know you are going to get something, somehow, someday and you begin to wonder what? how? when?

It was difficult for me to understand what everyone meant about you creating your own reality, if you see it from the perspective that everyone wants to be happy, peaceful, in harmony with all there is wouldn't it make sense that we would all seek to find what makes us feel that way instead of finding what doesn't make us feel well?

You see why I call myself "Parallel Parked in a Perpendicular World?" because I just don't get it, why do we do that? I used to do that too but for the life of me I have no idea why I did it, it's like once I stopped doing that it was the feeling that I imagine you get when you jump off a cliff thousands of feet up in the air with these flappy wings someone said let's go fly and you just decided to trust this person although you have never felt that much fear in your whole existence, you probably say I really am bored with this life, if this this is the way it's going to be for the next 40 or 50 years I think I have ahead of me to enjoy I would rather not stay alive...

So you look down and you say OMG OMG and you feel this angel pushing you in the back while at the same time you feel another one in front of you guiding you to the left, other a bit down, they're all over the place. You feel them with your trust in knowing that your job here is not yet complete and that you will find that reason to be alive because you found the reason for you to be here and now you want to be all that you came here to be.

Life becomes exciting when you find out it is you who is orchestrating your own future while on this realm, when you find out why you are here all you want to do is have all the resources you need.

I find a lot of excitement in living my life with that understanding because it makes it so clear to me what will manifest into my reality according to my thoughts, feelings and actions and once I understood that I realized that the better I feel the more I receive so eventually it became a habit to me to live in the moment, to be at peace and accept everything as is, not to resist and to take one more step every day in the direction of my dreams. And while doing all this your excitement increases every day because you know that at any moment you will manifest into your reality that which you've been expecting.

You don't know how it will come, when, from where or from whom but you better believe that it will be a part of your reality you just have to "Follow The Yellow Brick Road"...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Celebrations vs Celebrating...

I don't get the purpose for Celebrations and Holidays and I'm the opposite of a Scrooge because I spend my life in constant celebration, what I don't get is why humans pick a day to celebrate something in particular, no matter what that may be, from Christmas to Postal Workers. Have you noticed how everything has a day? I mean somebody does a little good deed for the community and all of a sudden they dedicate that day to this brave man.

I celebrate the miracle of life every day, every moment, I don't need a particular day to do that, if my path crosses the mail person you bet I will introduce myself and thank them for always placing my mail so diligently and at Xmas time I will leave them a little token of our appreciation. I will tell the clerk at the store that I appreciated her kindness or anyone I am able to gift with a word of appreciation will feel celebrated and my gift to myself is finding someone who needs the gift of celebration and I happen to be one of them.

I said once jokingly that I rather celebrate Groundhog Day at least they get noticed for a day, than any day more so days like Mother's day.  Do you have any idea what I would give to be with my Mom one more day? I'd give years of life to have her here with me even just one more day, so if I had her for longer I'd celebrate with her every moment of every day.

So if you can convince me that celebrating the doctors and the secretaries one day of the year does anything for anyone even on that day you're wrong, that's just stroking the Ego like we need that! Try celebrating everything every day even the bumps on the road have to be celebrated, if not look back at your life and what do you celebrate and remember fondly today, the parties you threw for whatever celebration or the challenges you overcame?

So I say stop the Celebrations and start Celebrating!...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Trick, Treat or Gratitude?...

Halloween and "Día de Los Muertos" are two totally different celebrations. They have some of the same characteristics as they both deal with death somehow, but Halloween the way I've been celebrating since I was a little girl is more or a fun tradition that both adults and children happen to like and I believe it has more to do with dressing up and becoming someone else for a day, we all have dreams of becoming someone else even just for a day.

I remember always wanting to be a boy just for one day. All I really wanted was to know how they felt, how they viewed life, what they thought of girls, how they handled life as something other than a girl, no matter how much someone else describes their views and their experience it can never be the same as if you become it and embody it even just for a day, a glance at it would give me the ability to understand men better.

I must have transmitted my love of Halloween to my children. Every year we would decorate the whole house. I loved giving away little gifts like pencils, markers or erasers rather than the usual candy. My daughter especially loves Halloween, when they were little they'd get so much candy that they would build a pretend train made of candy and had a competition of whose train was longer. Nowadays she loves dressing up, going to parties and all those fun things you get to do once a year like go to a Haunted House and get scared out of your mind. Not my favorite but others rave about it. It must be that adrenaline I guess.

So if we establish that Halloween is more like a fun celebration of those scary things that we wonder about or fantasize with whereas "Día de Los Muertos" is as it sounds "The Day of the Dead". As any man-made holiday it has a different meaning for anyone who chooses to observe or celebrate any type of holiday, my husband and I don't celebrate too many, just some that have become traditions from our families and our ancestors. We especially celebrate Shabbat. We make sure that every Friday evening we light the candles and say a prayer to Thank The Creator for allowing us to light the candles once again. I never like to miss lighting the Shabbat candles, even take them with me if we go on a trip, it's just our own reminder that we are still here, still trying to make a difference, still having that corporeal life experience that those who left before us no longer do.

In our house we celebrate the dead every day. There are candles always lit up, a couple of cute skeletons on the corner, little trinkets or pictures that remind us of where we came from, who played important roles in our lives and helped us get to where we are today, I figure without them we wouldn't exist, we wouldn't have a chance to have fun and live an adventure and love and eat and travel and play and cry. And since we are still here to do all that, still able to fulfill dreams, we have them to thank for that so we do it by celebrating the dead every day in our minds, our hearts by living to the fullest for ourselves and for them and most of all with our Gratitude!

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

I Am That...

I am listening to a Meditation tape that I have on my daily list, although this one in particular I don't get to listen to every day because it's almost an hour long and I like listening to shorter meditations, I find that I can stay focused for 15 mins. a lot better than I can for 50 mins. that's just too long for me for now. Working on staying focused longer. I just love the fact that I did manage to take the time to do all the things that I knew I had to do for myself and most of all find a way of looking forward to my new life routine. Creating my New Reality.

I was talking to a young friend of mine, I feel that I can relate better to the younger generations than I can to mine in some areas of my life. This lovely young lady who is a joy to be around has taken the same like to me that I feel for her so we stay connected as often as time allows. She really seems interested in the outcome of my life and seems to admire the way I am.

The reason I like analyzing what it is that she or anyone may admire about me is important not for my ego, but because if I can see in me what they see I will continue to tackle my life with a better perspective.

So back to the Meditation tape I mentioned at the beginning, there was a reason for that. The tape is by Wayne Dyer and the main reason I was drawn to it is because of the title they gave it on Youtube. I'll add it here and let you see for yourselves. I AM That..

At the beginning of the tape Wayne explains that according to the Scriptures that is the Name of G-d. That the name in Hebrew has letters and numbers and each one of the numbers has a sound and that the sound on the tape are the sounds of the letters of the Name of G-d.

Wayne asks for you to determine what THAT means to you so you can attract it into your Reality, you are supposed to write down exactly what THAT means to you. Like for example. I AM an Author... I AM Wealthy... I AM Healthy... and to say it and feel it with conviction as you meditate and listen to the sounds of The Name of G-d so that whatever it is you want manifests into your reality.

I started to think what I would want THAT to be for me and as I did that I couldn't stop thinking of all the growth that I have attained in the last few years of my life. I would go as far as saying that I went from being an Invalid of sorts, now looking back it was mostly due to fear. I believe I lived in some sort of Fear based reality my whole life until one day everything I was afraid of happened and then the Fear was gone. It was like Puff... Magic!!!

I can see through the eyes of those that may think of what I do as brave, because I once would have seen someone like me and thought that, but even while I'm experiencing this sense of serenity and freedom from fear, it's hard to remember what it was like before I felt this way.

There are still things in my life I want, things that will take the place of That... there will always be more things, but the one thing that I really really wanted that to be and I worked my whole life to get, I AM THAT...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Age is But a Number...

I've spoken about this before, I've said it my whole life and I will continue to believe it till the day I die and you can quote ME! "Age is But a Number, and I was never very good at Math!" ~ @nit@

I know our bodies age, but that's just our vehicle, of course every vehicle when it's being used it takes its toll on all the pieces and parts, it starts to fail and eventually it gives up, but that's not us, it's just the vehicle we are riding on during this Adventure.

If you look around my house you see evidence that a child lives here. There are coloring books and many different colored pencils, gel pens, markers, school supplies, binders, markers, staplers, glue sticks and glue guns, crafts all over, from jewelry making to sewing kits, scrapbook albums, shrink a dink. Two of the items on my 'Bucket List' is to get a Doll House and furnish it entirely with miniatures including working lights and the other is to build a House on a large tree in my backyard so that I can go up there with my grandchildren to read them stories and play board games every day.

The other day my husband comes home with a little gift for me. It was one of those Kinder chocolate eggs with a prize inside. He knows I love those little miniatures. It turned out to be a tiny adorable purple whale. the body is hard plastic but right on her belly there is a part that is soft. You squeeze that part while submerging the little whale in water and it squirts from the top like a real whale does. I found it to be so adorable that I take it with me to my daily tub and play with it every time I get in the water.

Yes maybe with the passing of time we get exposed to many things that forces us to adjust our childish desires and chips at our innocence, but inside we are still children trying to live this life with the same joy and curiosity as we did when we first started.

And since "Age is But a Number, and I was never very good at Math!" it's time to go in the tub  to relax, meditate and play with my purple whale.

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

It's None of Your Business...

Have you ever noticed that whatever anyone does with you, for you or to you has actually nothing to do with you? I know that sounds farfetched but just think for a moment, it may seem that all those emotions that you feel for someone else positive or negative have to do with that person but it has only to do with you, with your thoughts, your needs, your desires, your fears, its all you and nothing to do with them. I know what you're thinking, but I love them, I tend to them, I worry about them and no matter how you look at it to me it has nothing to do with them and all of it to do with you.

If it was them would we stop loving somebody who hurt us? would we hurt someone we love on purpose? could we fall out of love and trade them for someone else? To me Love means something different, it means that you do anything that is humanly possible to make that other person happy and in return they do the same. How many people do you know who do that consistently for as long as we both shall live, I don't know anyone including me, do you?

My take on it is that if this is all about Who I Am and what role do I play in the collective energy then I  must learn how not to take anything personal or think that I'm responsible for someone else's path. I see now that when I work on Who I Am I can be a much better version of myself and what I give to others comes from a better part of me. I also noticed that I receive more love this way, just when I stopped looking for love and started giving it freely did it come back the same way.

I also noticed that your strength comes from that part of you that decided to be grateful for everything and give love freely because you always keep yourself in a state of joy. So in other words you control your own level of joy with all that you do for others. That just makes me keep on nurturing myself, walking towards my dreams and fulfilling them one at a time because it leaves me with this huge surplus of joy and emotional energy to gift to others.

I know what others have done to me is "None of My Business", but I want to make it my business to do things for others. That's a good business to be in...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

I Should Have Danced one Last Dance...

I don't remember when was the last time I danced with my father. My relationship with my dad went through many different stages only to end up the way it started.

I remember very well the image I had of my dad when I was a little girl and the reason I remember it so well is because when that image changed it was never the same again. I loved my dad, he was my hero, he was smart and sharp, charming, charismatic, upbeat, he spoke several languages including difficult ones like Yiddish and French. He was very talented, artistic and most of all he didn't seem shy. He acted in Community Plays and many times had the lead role, he was friends with Abraham Zabludowsky  because they went to school together and knew other celebrities as well. I remember he was a Mason, I never knew what that was because he kept it all secret, so he knew how to keep secrets that was honorable to me.

His father, my dear dear Seide Eli was always sick, he had Burgers Disease, a disease of the blood that when he would get a cut the area could become gangrened and he lost several parts of his body to it, like the pinky on one hand and part of his leg from the knee down, my brother and I used to fight for who was going to sit on his half leg in the back seat of the car. To us it was fun, we didn't think anything of it because we grew up around that. But to my dad it changed the way he handled his life. He gave up going to Medical School after only a year because he had to take care of his parents. They had a small canning company that canned all types of chiles like serrano, jalapeño,  chipotle, vegetables like carrots, etc. The factory was right next to their beautiful house in the Lindavista neighborhood of Mexico City.

But it goes way back, my grandpa also had a huge potential, he was born in Alexandria, Egypt where his father was opening a new Synagogue. He was a religious man opening synagogues around the world. He took some of his children with him to Mexico to open one there. My Seide became a chemist, very profitable and comfortable path ahead of him but when you are sick nothing you plan works out the way you thought it would and in the end that's what happened, Seide Eli didn't make it the way he planned and neither did my dad. Their intentions were good but their circumstances were not.

I always thought my dad could have been very successful in the entertainment industry because he had the potential and the talent and most of all because he seemed to love it so much, he certainly had much more personality than some of the personalities that have succeeded and he had the desire and the drive, but he gave up on the dream.

I remember dancing with him all the time at parties, he was the Master of Ceremonies at most of the events of the Mexican Jewish Community and outside of it sometimes. I remember every weekend he would get all dressed up with a Tuxedo, he had a couple, he looked sharp and even his demeanor changed. He was happy to go to his parties to help liven them up and he helped himself as well bringing that extra money home. I'm sure there must have been MANY a times when he didn't want to go and spend all of his free time working to make others happy, but I never saw that in his face or his actions.

Outside of that he was a good salesman, he made a living certainly, we always had all we needed but he never got to where he wanted. Our lives were comfortable with the basics never luxuries.

Many things happened throughout the years with me and my dad. As the years went on so did the disenchantment from the man who once was my hero. He became more and more dependent on me and my mom,  it was always I who had to make the efforts to have closeness, to invite them, to make sure they were fine. We never really discussed his economy or his decisions and yet at the end it was I who handled his account till the day he died.

I was very lucky and grateful that my brother took over his well being in the last years of his life. He had to work that much harder to keep him in a place where he knew they would take care of him till the end with dignity. All the nurses and caretakers in that place loved Mr. Monty, he was still the same charmer and best dancer of the bunch. They all took turns dancing with him. I on the other hand, was unable to care for him or even see him again once I moved back to the United States to be near my children I had to work my way back and couldn't return before he died.

I'm happy that I was able to forgive, understand and stop judging his flaws, weaknesses, his inability to show love, that he stopped believing in himself and gave up on his dreams.

I was lucky to develop a stronger and more loving relationship with him towards the end of his life and thanked him for all he did for me while I was growing up. I have him to thank for my love of the arts.

At the end I learned to enjoy very much doing anything that I knew would bring him happiness. But I will always regret not being able to hug him one last time.

I Should Have Danced One Last Dance with my Dad...

RIP at last Dad, I Love You Very Much!!!

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

"What if This is As Good As It Gets?"...

I've been watching live online Kabbalah lessons on and off for a few years now, thinking back I've always had this burning curiosity most of all about life itself. I've asked myself so many questions we most likely all do at some point or another, usually when we don't feel right about something we attracted into our experience.

Who am I? What am I here for? Where is here? Am I going somewhere next? Is death really the end? Am I having fun figuring it all out or am I taking everything too personal? Is my experience an adventure or a penitence? Am I paying a price or getting away with murder? What exactly am I supposed to be doing? Is this "As Good As It Gets"?

I can go on and on with the questions that have popped in my mind over a lifetime and no matter how much I've discovered, learned, how clear I feel now about my personal adventure, I keep on searching and discovering new things every day and I have my own curiosity to thank for that. That insatiable need to know what's true and what isn't, what's real and what's fake, how to understand and avoid having those negative emotions like fear, anger, resentment, pain, anguish, jealousy that I've experienced at times in my life and how to take full and complete responsibility for any and every outcome, all I attract into my life and how to remain in a state of harmony and acceptance of all that is instead of placing resistance where there shouldn't be any. 

I'm always open to whatever my life presents to me because I know nothing. I just go in search of the answers and in everything I search I can relate to some part of my findings. I base my decisions on what makes sense to me and of course the more I search for the answers the bigger the questions.

The perception I have of Kabbalah is that there is a Creator and a Creature (that's us here in what they call the Corporeal World) we are just One Creature that Source created to give us all Source is which is Complete Bestowal or The Will to Bestow. The Creator needed what they call a Vessel to Bestow so we were created as the Vessel of Reception or The Will to Receive. And let's just stop there because it has to be taught by those who really take the time to study while I am just an observer so I can make more intelligent decisions on how to be the best version of myself and try to help others do the same.

Just like with Kabbalah I have had curiosity about other beliefs and religions. I wouldn't say I've studied any of them in depth, what I do is search for those beliefs they all have in common, that's what matters most to me because everyone that ever existed since the beginning of words has had thoughts, beliefs and experiences and if all of them agree with a few of all of those put together, then that become a great candidate for me to vote to incorporate it into my Life Experience.

Kabbalah says that we are all One and so does every other religion. They all agree there is nothing else other than The Creator or whatever name you call our original Source.

So if The Creature (Us) is a vessel of reception and in order to receive correction we have to become like The Creator, because of the way we were created we can't do that on our own, we have to do it as a collective, in other words as the One Creature that we are by joining forces together.

I wanted to write the definition, synonyms and antonyms  for the word Humanitarian but I found 299 synonyms and 134 antonyms and that's just a waste of time and space. 

We are The Will to Receive and apparently we don't have a clue what The Will to Bestow means, I know a lot of us would like to know but in order to find out we are supposed to go through the stages of correction and do it as one.

How many celebrities not only from the Entertainment Industry, or people in your own circles, friends, family members, acquaintances, etc. do you know that say they are any of the definitions,  descriptions or synonyms of Humanitarian. Yes maybe they open schools for poor girls in Africa to help them make something of themselves, or teach women in third world countries a craft or a trade so they can help raise their children, donate to the charity of their choice, maybe build hospitals, fund a few grants, pay for someone's college or help rescue victims of Natural Disasters. All those things are wonderful and everyone involved in making this a better world should be praised and appreciated but this is not what it is meant by The Will to Bestow, apparently it can't be if we are created as a vessel of reception. Full Bestowal is do everything for others nothing for yourself.

I read once where they were talking about Humanitarians of the caliber of Ghandi and Mother Teresa, they don't come any better and yet what it said was that even when you become a true humanitarian like them it is still not considered complete bestowal because there is still the part of the EGO that makes them feel better doing it than the guilt of not getting involved,  that they help others because it makes them feel good and that it must be Complete Bestowal in order to reach the level of correction to become like The Creator.  And it's not one correction it's hundreds, not one step on the ladder its lots.

I have a difficult time believing that the day will come when all of us will join forces together to get back to The Creature that The Creator Created no matter how many "Humanitarians" there are out there, perhaps more now than ever but then again we are more of everything, we are simply more divided each time and in my humble opinion and observation Egoism is at its worse, I'm sure most of us do our part the best we can, I do it every day with as many people as I am able who happen to cross my path in the best possible way but I'm just as happy to go back home and retreat from the world, from all the portions of Me who are out there living their own experience. 

Even if this is "As Good As It Gets, Always Look on the Bright Side of Life!...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

As Seen on TV...

Our Chat with Espresso this morning was about the influence that TV has had in our lives. There's been a TV around me from the day I was born in January of 1952. Looking back it seems like such a long time ago when TV was still Black and White. The one thing I recall vividly for some reason are some of the different TVs that we had in my house when I was a child. I recall this large piece of furniture I must have been 2 yrs. old, today with a surface of that size you can put up a large screen TV that looks like you're in the theater maybe a 52in. screen or a bit larger and that big piece of furniture then only held maybe a 20 in. screen that if you were sitting far back enough you may not be able to make out some of the details.

Of course there were no remote controls, not even to turn it on of off, which to me it was a good thing, every time you got off your butt to change a channel you had a chance to stretch your legs, mingle with the family, maybe go to the bathroom, pour a cold glass of carbonated water for you and your husband, you know detach from that hypnotic state that we get into when we watch that box.

I lived the era when we had these see through harder plastic covers with colors on them. You would place them in front of the TV screen and it turned the black and white into the colors that were on the plastic. Why this was invented and why my dad would buy it I have no idea, I mean what was the chance that the pink would be on all the faces and the green on the grass 0 so it must have looked distorted at best.

And do you remember how deep those screens were? I had an Uncle, my father's only brother I have very fond memories of him, el Tío Pepe we called him. He was a TV repairman. His house was always full of TVs that he was repairing, there were these bulbs you used to have to change from the back of the TV, the bulb would burn out and the TV would stop working, so you had to carry that huge glass screen and take it to a place like my Uncle's and they would fix it for you, it wasn't that cheap even then and what a drag. Then repairmen got smarter and started making house visits charging extra. 

TVs were expensive for a middle class family of 5, you could only have a medium size one in the living room for the whole family to sit and watch. That was actually nice because it kept us closer together as a family. The kids were allowed to watch till 8:00 pm on weekdays and 10:00 on weekends. 

Some of my fondest memories of my childhood come from the shows on TV I used to watch. Cachirulo and his Fairy Tales, Club Quintito, Topo Gigio, talent, game shows, comedies. 

There are many shows on TV that I like, but I don't really seem to find any when I'm alone. I rather spend my time with the things I want to do like writing than watch how others do things while I'm sitting here watching them.

My husband on the other hand can't live without TV, so the moment we wake up he turns it on. He loves to watch the news, re-runs of our Argentinian Soap Operas from the day before he missed because he was at work and sometimes I notice that he leaves on whatever, like sports for example that he doesn't really like. I think it's just this need to hear sounds perhaps to relax his own thoughts. I rather put a meditation tape and set my intentions for the day, recharge my energy, increase my vibrations, or listen to whatever music puts me in the mood that I want to be at that moment, perhaps nostalgic, maybe happy, or to concentrate and write and anything in between. 

Lately I've been proving to my husband how what we watch on TV first thing in the morning changes what happens throughout your day. Instead of watching news or soaps we watch re-runs of some of my favorite shows like Frasier. We both laugh so loud every time we watch Frasier even though my husband doesn't really understand what they are saying, they speak in a very tight and more polished English, but they're so expressive in their actions and their relationships are so consistent that you get to expect the reactions and it keeps you happy and laughing, such a magical way to start the day for me. 

It's unusual that once he leaves the house I would keep the TV on unless of course I know there will be a re-run of one of the shows I follow and couldn't watch last night, like The Voice for example. I adore talent shows, always have, so much amazing talent out there it's a privilege for me to watch them. I even get up and applaud. I keep it on many times because right after Frasier comes Cheers. Another well done clever, intelligent and charming. Makes me feel happy, as if I was there at the Bar flirting with Sam and laughing with them. I think I'd order a frozen Mango Margarita.

I wouldn't have dreamt that one day we could watch TV on a wristwatch like Maxwell Smart, in the car, on the Airplane, have a movie theater inside the house with surround sound a huge flat screen and front row recliners, program it to record what you want to watch and of course no more getting up and changing the channels, nowadays they even make it hard for you to find the buttons on the TV you have to push to change the channels, sometimes you have to read manuals or watch videos to know how to work some of these remotes. I rather push the on and off  button if you ask me.

I wouldn't mind going back to black and white if I had to erase a few of the advances we have that make us put more and more distance between each other, that reminds us every day of all the cruelty that exists in the world and how in spite of the fact that we know that and all the best intentions of some many good people out there in this Wonderful World of Ours, EGO is at an all time hi. As Seen on TV...

Hugs xoxo

@nit@

Project Bubbah!!!...בּוּבָּה

Bubbah was the way we called our grandmother Etko when we were growing up. All of those years of calling her that and we never knew that we were saying the wrong word. My first cousins used to call her Bobe so why did our parents tell us to call her Bubbah Etko instead of Bobe I will never know, they are both Angels as is Bobe Etko. When I lived in Israel is when I found out what the real meaning of the word Bubbah is in Hebrew.

Hebrew and Yiddish are two completely different languages, not all Jewish people speak both, I don't know the history of it because it's not really that important to me but I've read here and there that Yiddish was used by Azquenazi Jews in some parts of Europe whereas Hebrew was used more in places like Italy and Spain by Sephardic Jews, maybe I'm wrong but I do notice knowing a little bit of both, more Hebrew for me, that they do have some similarities in a few words, I wasn't raised in a Jewish parroquial school like my cousins were and where they teach you Hebrew as a second language, I was raised in a bilingual English/Spanish school and Ashkenazi Jewish grandparents who spoke only Yiddish, so Bubbah supposedly was the Yiddish version of Bobe,  so if my grandma Etko who came from Poland and didn't speak Spanish very well said that, I certainly believed her.

The real meaning of the word bubbah in Hebrew is doll, now what that has to do with grandma I don't know, but what I do know is what my intuition is telling me.

I think that word was placed by my own intention when I entered this realm because I've been entertaining this idea for a few years now and I think I'm just going to express my idea to the Universe to make it Manifest once and for all.

I'm very partial to older people for many reasons, because I wasn't there when my Bubbah Etko passed away nor was I sitting right next to my own mother Bobe Sarah holding here hand and telling her how much I was going to miss her, because I couldn't take care of them and I don't know if I told them enough how much I loved them and how grateful I am to have been a part of their Life Adventure. Because most people focus on youth, the new generations, the future of the world and those who are on their way out sometimes get neglected and left alone to die a slow and lonely death.

Even if you're lucky enough to get to an old age where your children go visit you at a Home for the Aged every weekend and the place is all fancy and you have a nurse next to your bed all day, you are basically a prisoner there till the day you die and what I want more than anything in this world is create a Campaign to help ease some of the pain that comes with just sitting there waiting to die and each day that passes is the same. I want to bring them some comfort and joy.

Even if you have activities in the Retirement Home and food is good and you don't have to cook it it's still the same life every day. I am such a free spirit that I could never wind up in a place like that, I just want to live as long as I am still able to enjoy that freedom and can take care of myself. 

I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychologist, not even a social worker but I would challenge all of those communities to do a test on this Project I call Project Bubbah!

It's a very simple project. My desire is to get sponsors, I would like to create a Bubbah! - Doll that we can donate to all of the Residents that live in Retirement homes. Every one of them would receive a doll that they will personally name. There will be a small ceremony for each Adoption and a Birth certificate with the name of the Adoptive Parent and the name of the Bubbah! The certificate will be framed and hung in their room with a picture of themselves with their Bubbah. 

If you cried like I did in the scene where Tom Hanks realizes that he has just lost Wilson, his Best Friend, his Only Friend and Companion for four lonely years and he starts apologizing to him as he sees him drifting away in a desperate attempt to rescue him, you know how powerful it can be to have something, even an inanimate object that you grant the power to take your loneliness away.

So today I declare my Intention to the Universe, I bow to do whatever it takes to create this project and see it through to completion.

No matter how much I've done so far for this project that lives right in the center of my heart and is an important component of my "Bucket List, I declare today Project Bubbah Launching Day!!!...בּוּבָּה 

And let the Games Begin... Do I hear a Hurray out there?

Hugs xoxo

@nit@

Now I Know my ABCs...

I just realized lately that I've been involved in Education my whole life, first as a student then as administrator, teacher, interpreter, volunteer, I was one of those school mom's who was always in my kids classrooms, I would teach the kids in their class Spanish as a volunteer. I didn't want to be the President of the PTA much less their entourage I wanted to gift the kids who were my children's friends and neighbors with the ability that was innate to me, what came natural which was my birth language.

I have seen so many changes in the amazing evolution of education. My trajectory is interesting because with the standards that Education has nowadays I would have definitely qualified for special education services. This is the recollection I have of my childhood education which is not really a lot because I didn't like going to school too much, for one I used to live right across the street from my school, it was a private bilingual school instead of the Jewish Paroquial School all my cousins and Jewish friends went to. So every time we went to Temple where my dad used to work as an administrator, which was just about every Friday night for Shabat Services, or to the CDI every weekend, I never had anything in common with all the kids that were there. I mean we played the same but then they'd go away to their lives and I went off to a different life experience.

My dad would say that his priority was that we speak English, so instead of sending us to Jewish Paroquial School to learn values and exotic languages like Hebrew, to find out first hand about our heritage and go on trips with my friends to Israel and be with all those kids that we were surrounded by in every event that we attended. We were Jews in a land of otherwise Catholic Indoctrination so we stuck together as a group.

We'd go to the "Centro Deportivo Israelita de México" CDI or the JCC here in the US. You have to understand that my father was "The Master of Ceremonies" for the Jewish Community, he broke the barriers and would MC for Ashkenazi as well as Sefaradic Jews. There was then a palpable separation. We each gravitated to our own, as if we were a different species. I never understood that part of the community.

So my education having been a totally other face of the coin in a way wound up alienating me from those friends I would frequent whenever I was not in school. I never felt like I belonged on either side. I always felt "Parallel Parked in a Perpendicular World".

I remember not being able to retain all the information that was being given by the teachers, I'm not sure if it was because my mind wondered and I couldn't stay focused enough to pay attention because that still happens to me these days, so if I didn't get what was being taught from the very beginning I would start to fall behind more as the year went on because I could never catch up. The funny thing about this whole pattern which is what it became, is that nobody ever taught me the way I was able to learn like they do to children these days through special education services.

It is impressive to see how precise they are with every single child who doesn't fall within the average for learning. I would get sent bad report cards and corrected in front of all the students. The one thing I remember like it was yesterday is always choosing to sit all the way in the back of any class. I remember Alex and José Antonio on each side of me, we would tell jokes and laugh, pass little notes when we were not paying attention to the teacher. There were subjects I liked more than others like English, Music, Art, History, French, Geography, all those were good subjects for me. I was Never very good at Math or Physics!

Then once I finished my formal education, where I never really had to intermingle and blend with the Jewish community during the time when we were being formed in a way through our education and our beliefs, I began to resent and look at all the things I didn't like about my own community. I do remember when we made the decision to leave México behind and move to the United States,  I was happy to leave that community behind, to me they seemed superficial and money driven. Don't take me wrong I'm proud to be Jewish, but to me to be Jewish is just honoring something my Ancestors left me as Traditions. They give more meaning and enrichment to our lives.

With my children's education I wound up doing the same my parents did with me, only I sent them to the Public School in our neighborhood. School was blocks away from home but I still drove them every day and picked them up. We had this little routine going that we'd go across to a darling Deli to eat something or even just get Ice Cream.

I am very lucky in that both my children are very intelligent. My daughter however was the more focused of the two, my son just wanted to play. She'd turn in her homework well done and at the right time and he'd leave it to the very last moment and did just an ok job. I'm sure he could have been helped with today's special education because he is incredibly intelligent, math is a piece of cake for him, he does calculations in his mind that should be done with a calculator but the challenge that he has is his focus, his ability to remain focused for a prolonged periods of time. That's my challenge too so I understand it very well.

Nowadays they pay complete attention to each child and the moment they see there is something stopping them from learning at the same pace as the general student population their age they intervene and call for a meeting of all their teachers to discuss how they can help him/her learn better. Then there are the meetings with the parents of the child to present this program of special education, then if the parents don't speak English they have an interpreter who translates every word the panel is saying and back to the panel what the parent had to say in the form of a comment or a question.

They proceed to do a full evaluation of the student to find the areas of need, back again to the meetings and finally they implement the help in the areas of need.

To me this is very impressive because there are so many resources being used for each and every child in education these days, none of which was the case during my education or at a MUCH smaller scale during my own children's education and that's only 20 yrs. ago.

So it's clear that I have been witness to the many changes that education has experienced in the last 65 yrs. I've been on this earth. And I just covered the bare minimum changes otherwise I could talk about each thing and turn this into a book, but that wasn't my purpose for this entry. I just wanted to illustrate once more that us humans are constantly trying to improve the ways in which to thrive while we are alive, but if I take a peek inside and see the results of the changes vs the way education was given in my days I think I'd chose my days for various reasons.

For one students were a bit intimidated by our teachers. That little bit of intimidation however promoted Respect. I don't remember any of my school classmates ever disrespecting a teacher. If you did they'd send you to the principal right away and our principal, Professor Carrión, was this AMAZING! man from Spain. He was handsome with a deep voice and always a smile on his face. He was adored by everyone, we never wanted Professor Carrión to have to tell us that we were not behaving the way he expected us to behave.

Nowadays many kids do what they want like take out their cell phones in class to text or play games and the teacher has to call the parent to tell them to reprimand the child or else and has to give him a few warnings before he takes that phone away that shouldn't be brought to school to begin with. I took this photograph at my daughter's graduation from Northeastern University in Boston. I rest my case! I've been in school events where they give gifts to pre-school and kindergarten age parents to attend so they can teach them how to parent. They go through so many things that I consider to be common sense that it makes me wonder if we are not taking away their ability to use their own.

Many parents don't know how to handle their children, a lot more children are rebellious, there is more emphasis on special education for each child and perhaps in generations to come we will be able to tell if this was effective, but what I believe is there are too many rules, too much structure, too much focus on the weaknesses, too much one on one education. If I had gotten that type of structure during my education maybe I could have been better and many other things like Math, but I didn't have it and I made it anyways. Only I did by forcing myself to find the strength in my weaknesses and to take full advantage of my strengths.

I use math all the time and I know what I need to know to get by, I would be the worst accountant in the world because I don't like it but I'm considered to be very good at what I do like to do and that's all a human needs to live a fulfilled, happy, productive, creative life.

I think the less the structure the more you have to challenge yourself to learn what you love which in the end is really all you need to know.  I honestly could not tell you how many classes I've taken since I left my formal education so many years ago, anywhere from Photography, ceramics and hundreds of crafts to the Hebrew language that I wanted to learn so bad when I was a child and the reason I believe I was able to focus in what I was learning and not during my childhood education is because I was learning what I love doing.

I am successful at what I do and so are my children whom I gave all the freedom to chose what they wanted to do and how they wanted to learn. It was I the parent who made sure they do their homework and read, that they went to school on time and well dressed, that they were respectful and courteous, that they develop a charming caring personality and the results are there. Two productive caring very successful human beings.

Even how parents raise their children has changed from the totally uninvolved to the other extreme where in both of those cases ends up breaking a child's spirit. It's those who manage to maintain the balance that are more likely to see a better outcome in the lives of their children.

Now I Know my ABCs...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

"Honesty!!! It's such a Lonely Word"...

I think that the main challenge with relationship to honesty is that we all tend to give it a different meaning or view it from a slightly different angle. Perhaps we all do that as a mechanism of defense in a way or to justify something that we may think, do or say that is not 100% truthful and therefore dishonest. I've said this before and I'll repeat it many times, now that I understand it I realize that "Honesty is like Pregnancy, you either are, or you aren't."

Now if what we want is to lie on purpose to cover up something that needs to stay covered or even to be kind to others that's not what I am talking about. I believe we can always justify a little white lie when we know that can ease someone's anxiety or help someone's self esteem.  As with every rule there are valid exceptions.

Let's start with ourselves. I've always been very good at lying to myself or at the very least justifying my thoughts, feelings, actions or lack of them and now that it has become very clear that it was like a habit to do that I am very conscious of never doing it again. It is such a waste of time to be dishonest with oneself, it makes your job at finding harmony and something to be grateful for in your life an uphill battle. When you're open with yourself to the truth of who you have become, that's when you can tweak your thoughts, when you can guide them to stay positive, focused on your goals and dreams and stop using excuses of why your life is not going in the direction you want.

I'll use the example of my childhood, I won't go into details, they will come out some other time, lets just say that I had so many dreams and like everyone else the ability to fulfill them, now I can see that but then I used every excuse in the book to blame everyone else for my failure to pursue those dreams, whatever was happening in my life was the culprit, I must have wanted the perfect conditions to make decisions or moves and since my conditions were never perfect, there were always strong difficult challenges in my family I decided the challenges were at fault not I.

I obviously lied to myself and justified my lies because I was told that's how it was, that's all I saw growing up in a family with major challenges. It wasn't until I was in my 50s and left completely alone to stir my own ship and see what I was capable of doing that I realized if I had not blamed anything or anyone 50 yrs. ago when I had strength, youth, stamina, concentration, talents, by now I would be unstoppable, but I didn't do that I lied to myself so I didn't have to put in the effort perhaps? because I didn't feel capable? so why do I feel capable now? I'm the same me now I was then only now I'm almost 65 and just noticed that nobody and no situation I experienced were guilty of me not fulfilling my dreams then, it was that I wasn't being Honest with Myself. Now I am!

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

These Are The Best of Times...

I used to have these annoying habits of looking at life and humanity in bad deterioration, I would point that out to my husband every night when he insisted on watching the news. I don't like watching the news I think its not smart to waste time seeing how other people chose to treat each other when I'm trying to stay focused on the things I can do for others. I believe that if I'm not going to be a part of the solution to their problems then even my negative energy when I'm watching that will feed the already negative situation.

I thought for a long time that what us humans have done so far to life has not brought the results it should have with all this knowledge, wealth, globalization, advances in every field known to man, intelligence, technology, people reaching for new limits, spirituality at its peak wouldn't you think we should've gotten the gist of what doesn't work and just stop it, like wars, crime, bigotry, poverty, malnutrition, illiteracy,  illnesses, greed, power even knowledge most of the time. All of these aberrations have escalated maybe not to the maximum because there are an awful lot of good people in the world, but I don't think the good guys are the majority, it's like we all have our own little hidden Angel and our little hidden Devil. I think egoism is at its worst EVER.

So why am I saying that these are The Best of Times is because now we can all clearly see what we have become, we don't just read it in books or newspapers, or pass on the gossip from one to another, now everyone records their own lives, everyone has an audience, the more stupid or wild or even gruesome a video the more viral it goes. Everyone can say anything they want or for that matter become anything that we all want. Anyone can fulfill their dreams there are sites that will walk you through all the way to the completion of your dreams. There are no more excuses for anyone not to be the being that they came here to be.

I don't have my Pineal Gland open, not yet anyways, perhaps I'm just not totally ready for that, maybe I don't need that to know that if our world continues to deteriorate at this rate the bad guys will continue to lure more good guys into their perception of reality.

However as for me I Am Very Grateful for the opportunity to be living in these times because my life took on a different route, I learned so much and became insatiable for knowledge, not because what I know now is not enough but because in the words of 'Abraham' "I would really love to spread the joy and gratitude of who I am. I want to be a catalyst at making more people feel good".

Sometimes when I'm sitting here writing sending my words out into the Universe, I realize that I write to remind my Soul that "These Are The Best of Times"...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

"A Belief is just a Thought That You've Been Thinking"...

The other day I was watching an Abraham/Hicks video and it said something that really caught my attention. I had to listen to it several times so I could write down the exact words they used when describing what a thought is. They said "Whatever you are focusing upon is training you into a habit of thought. That's all a belief is. It's just a habit of thought". I never really gave any thought to what a thought is but when I heard that it made total sense.

For some reason it reminded me of an episode of the "Twilight Zone" I must have watched at least 30 yrs. ago called "Eye of the Beholder" It basically deals with a beautiful girl who thinks she is ugly because she lives surrounded by what we consider to be ugly and she is amongst the few beautiful people around and is trying surgeries to change her face to look like theirs.

What that tells me is that we can be convinced of anything either we think about constantly positive or negative or by what other people tell us consistently that makes us think, so if we are convinced that we are very creative because our mom and dad tell us constantly that we are, our thoughts may be positive because of someone else's view of us, on the other hand if we are told constantly that we are stupid, evil, selfish, lazy our thoughts will go there as well, at the very least we will entertain and then make the decision if we are going to turn those thoughts into beliefs or discard them.

Unlike other species we are thinking animals and we have to be very aware of what our minds are telling us about ourselves and everything else that surrounds us. 

Paul Shepard says in one of his books "Without other living species by which to measure ourselves we would be less mature, care less for and be more careless of all life including our own kind." 

I had a friend once who was a priest, our friendship was rather funny and unique, he would preach his advice to me but yet he would ask for mine as well.

One day I must have been caught up in having to make an important decision so he said to me you are not the thinker, observe the thinker. He said sit down on a sofa and that's the thinker, leave her there and then the real you come out of your body and stand in front of the thinker. Look back at the thinker and ask her what her challenge is, have her tell you everything she is thinking that has her concerned, then like you do with people you love or even strangers, look at her perception without the emotion involved and tell her how you perceive it and why and then merge back and act from that perception.

Well that was a very valuable tool for me to have because ever since that day I look at my life, my situations, my decisions even my emotions straight from that inside view of my life in this spectrum without allowing all those negative emotions that I carried my entire life in my thoughts, when I didn't realize those thoughts were not who I really am.

Now my "Habit of Thought" is simply no resistance. Everything is just as I intended it to be and I'm actively involved in making it better every day. Sky's the Limit!!!

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

You Can Call Me Cashew...

I've been called crazy many times, most of them as jokes, "Oh Mom you're a nut" my daughter said jokingly once to which I remember replying "And proud of it my love" and being that Cashews are my FAVORITE type of nuts I added to that "You Can Call Me Cashew, I'm a Fine Nut!"
In fact ten years ago when I started writing this Blog I labeled the area where I describe a little bit about myself as "Call Me Cashew".

I just think I must be a Nut if I'm one of the few that can see the world as different as I do compared to the majority. Everybody can't be a nut so it must be me I thought.

I hear everyone saying that you need to be kind and loving, giving and caring, generous and encourage others. truthful to yourself and to others but if you tell somebody something they don't want to hear or are willing to consider you're probably out of their lives. If you do something for yourself they don't approve of you're out of their lives, if you are giving you are called weak and if you open yourself to receive you are called selfish, if you encourage others you must need something and if you ask for what you need most of the time you'll get denied.

Working in Education with about 15,000 students I've had the opportunity to get to know A LOT of the details that go on in people's lives. I also decided to be "Mary Poppins" this summer that school was out so that opened doors for me to see what goes behind closed doors. I didn't need to confirm that money has nothing to do with certain behaviors and although I'm very fortunate never to have been exposed to physical abuse first hand, there are a lot of well intended people in the world trying to raise the newer generations that in my perception will not get the results they expect.

It's easier to see other people's challenges when you are not emotionally involved or in need to make decisions, so I listen, I observe and somehow I can see what will happen. I've been lucky enough to see a lot of these children that I met once as infants now as adults and what I saw happening so many years back, happened.

I really don't mind being a Nut, I know I do things that others wouldn't consider but if I'm going to take the time to do any of them it will always be to stay balanced and in harmony with this life I'm living with Love and good intentions.

So feel free to "Call Me Cashew!"

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

If I'm Gonna Die, I Wanna Live...

This morning I woke up later than normal because I worked last night, then when I got home, although I had just slept 5 hrs. the night before "The Voice" was on and it's one of my favorite shows, I love talent shows, there's so much talent out there that never seizes to amaze me. Some voices that must come straight from Heaven that even make me cry and talent of all types. It's also incredible how many young children have the talent of adults at such a young age. So of course I stayed up to watch it.

I've been trying to be more conscious of living my life with a different perspective than the one I grew up with and adopted for 60 yrs. only to find out at this age that I had made it more challenging for myself than it was supposed to be.

My logic tells me one thing but my repetitive actions and thoughts for most of my life seem to want to pull me back, so my strategy not to revert to the way I used to perceive my life is to make short term plans of action and try to stay true to my plan for a long enough period of time until it becomes the "New Normal".

I understand that there's always something pending to do, there are times and responsibilities to abide by and from there I have to decide what to tend to next, is it those pending things that can wait for now or is it doing something to bring me Joy, more health, stamina, strength and tools to help others find their joy. That's what I focus on first and then I go complete the other tasks.

I did it the other way around my whole life and the truth is that it didn't work out the way I thought it would. There were many things that I wanted to accomplish and always left those aside. I thought I was supposed to help those I love the most to accomplish their goals and then it would be my turn, my mom modeled it that way to me.

This morning I didn't have all those hours I get when I wake up at 1:30 am but I didn't want to stop living that part that brings me so much joy in the morning such as taking a warm bathtub with Epson Salts and citrus/menthol oils, ginger candles, meditation tapes and lets not forget sitting down to write so that tonight I can come back and re-read what I wrote and feel again that joy that I feel when I'm putting my "Own Oxygen Mask First" and then doing the rest.

The only thing we know for certain in this Life is that we're all going to die, this reality we are living day to day will end one day just like that, nobody really knows when or how, I'm not afraid of dying, I don't know anything about it just what others say but I know it will happen, I just want to do my best not to die with the Music still in me so "If I'm Gonna Die, I Wanna LIVE!!!" while I can and do it with as much Joy and Passion as possible!

Hugs xoxo
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Etiology Unknown...

It all started towards the end of 1981 and why I remember this so vividly is because of how it impacted me when I heard those words for the first time. We were already living in Chicago, I remember the year because I turned 30 in that job and that would have been January of 1982.

My boss was a Neuro-Psychiatrist in other words a double boarded Neurologist and also Psychiatrist who practiced both at the same time. His patients had emotional problems but most of them due to major diseases such as Multiple Sclerosis or ALS for example. So he would deal with the physical aspect of their illness and the Psychological crisis they found themselves in once they were given a life sentence diagnosis.

It was only him and I in the office, I was 29, married to a Doctor myself so I knew all these things for years, however I never stopped fearing something like this could happen to me. I was surrounded by it all day long, I took dictation about it, that's all I heard it made me think. What if that was me?

The worst part were the first two words of the dictation I received on all these patients from the doctor so I could transcribe it and put it in their chart as well as send it as a report to their referring physician. The first time he dictated them to me I have to confess I had no idea what they meant so I asked him right away,  I need to understand everything I write so I can do my best transcription job not just that of a parrot.

He would start most of his reports with "Etiology Unknown". You have to understand that he was this older doctor in his 70s who had set a routine for himself he never changed. He would golf on Wednesdays rain sleet or snow didn't stop him, there were always the orange golf balls they were easier to spot on the snow. He was Jewish just like I am so that's why he liked me when he hired me I could tell. It was like helping your own. I did have a lot of experience as a secretary and like I said married to a doctor so that helped of course.

So Dr. Sherman RIP and his routine made him dictate the same things for most of his patients. Etiology Unknown means that they basically don't know what caused their terrible disease they will either have for life or die from sooner than expected.

That got me to think all of these scientists all of these discoveries, all of these chemicals and just for what? to prolong something that is supposed to have no resistance to it, makes no sense to me, chemicals may kill a cancer but they also kill other parts of that body of yours that were not supposed to die. Why would anybody want to prolong their life with chemicals fixing one thing while killing another. What kind of a life is that, is it important to live longer or is it to live the best way we can while we can.

We are totally responsible for our own well being. I have things in this body of mine that all of a sudden began to appear out of nowhere, things I never experienced before including allergies, I have patches of red on my arms, my legs, I had to go to 5 doctors who didn't know what it was until I had it biopsied and it's some autoimmune disease, or in other words "Etiology Unknown" all these top dermatologists were giving me very strong creams and warned me to use sparingly, they would make the spots go and when I'd stop they'd come back, so by remembering those two words I decided to stop all chemicals and went a different route this time.

I went the longer way, the natural way, the way that takes more of your time and dedication, the one that follows the rules of nature because those are the real rules, the rules of man are man made and who says that the man that made that rule is a better one than the one nature created. The one where you have to eat the right things not those that taste better. Be kind to others so you can receive kindness, love and let others love you, give your all to everything you do most of all do what you love.

Now I go to a Naturopathic Doctor who listens to how I feel inside, who prescribes only natural supplements to help heal the damage done, things to detoxify my body from chemicals and metals that now appear in nature thanks to man. I have to pay this out of my pocket of course because Insurance companies will pay for you to get well the man made way not the natural way, if you are a responsible human being trying your hardest to live a good natural life you're on your own! Natural supplements can actually be more expensive than chemicals and you have to take more of them to even out the little pill. So for now I get what I can with what I have and try to take better care of myself in general.

Little by little I've noticed I've started to heal. My joints don't hurt anymore nor do my extremities, I've also started to lose some weight and I'm proud to report that my food intake has gone to a healthy 95% of what I ingest is actually good for me. I found out that my body is sensitive to things I ate my whole life like corn, sugar, dairy, grains, wheat, oat, spelt, peanuts, strawberries, I'm even sensitive to broccoli, cauliflower, eggplant, I'm mentioning these because they were all part of my diet, I thought I was eating the right things and in fact I wasn't.

I'm very proud that I took the time to find all this out, then went along with the program and eliminated all of those things from my diet, they added up to 35. Most of them were on my plate every day one or another. I no longer eat breads or pastas (except for Brown Rice or Quinoa Pasta), deserts, no sugar on anything or dairy. There goes my beloved Quesadillas!!!

I had to re-invent the way I ate and what and do that while living in a house with a great cook who loves to prepare delicious meals that he knows I love, who doesn't restrict himself with anything and eats it in front of me. It actually makes him sad to see me restricting myself so much but my determination and control make me feel very good about myself, even though the weight is coming down slowly and after moving to this new apartment I haven't been exercising. I made a new promise to myself. Today I put on a Zumba video and I'm starting an every day 30 min. dance routine. Get that blood pumping and those extra unwanted curves letting go of my body. I want to be at my best so I can give others coming from a better place.

I don't know if I can eventually revert all the damage I might have caused to my body with all the chemicals I ingested over the years, things for cholesterol, osteoporosis, headaches, stomach aches, colds, flus, things doctors tell you you HAVE to take or else you will keep deteriorating. Also with all the things I ate for over 60 yrs. of my life processed food filled with chemicals and who knows what all else is around in everything, including our water.

I was the one who stopped exercising, the one who started to eat all the good things I love, the food that kept me company, broke my boredom, satiated some desire, I was happy with my life so why did I need to feed my body to the point where it became unhealthy and difficult to handle.

I know the energy is there, as is the desire to live a good and healthy lifestyle for as long as my body and my mind stay healthy. Whatever part I can control in having success at a better outcome I may do it at my pace but you better believe that I will go into that Etiology Unknown world and beat it with Love, Dedication, Responsibility and Trust.

Thank you Dr. Janci Karp ND!

Hugs xoxo
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