Memories...

I had a fabulous experience the other day, I didn't even know that it would turn out that way but for a few hours I traveled straight to my past and my memories came rushing in. I had this ticket that my Husband gave me at Christmas time for a day at the movies at the old and beautifully refurbished Cinerama, the only one left in Seattle, WA. I had been wanting to go but it meant taking public transportation on a weekend day when I'm home, cozy trying to wind down from the workweek that is always intense for me because of my type of work. It also entailed walking to the bus stops with the weather we have here that so often rains, so I kept on postponing the movies that appealed to me like the newest Star Wars for example.

So last week I checked what was playing as I did every week for months, only to find that they were showing the only movie that I've wanted to see in years LaLaLand. That was definitely one that I had to see and what better than the Cinerama that brought me so many memories of my past growing up in Mexico City, I remember being IN LOVE with movies since I was a little girl, my father instilled that love in me because he too felt that way. My mom couldn't care less if she went to see a movie or not but my dad did and so did I and so do my kids because I took them to every appropriate movie they could see throughout the years.

I remember Cinerama being the first chain of its type in Mexico City where I was born and grew up. I believe they opened for the first time in 1962 when I was only 10 years old and could really appreciate what it took to create all that magic that transports you to a different emotions with every frame, action, site, script, music, at that time I wanted somehow to be involved in the movies so my way of involving myself without being in them, was to live them as if I was in them, as if I was one of the characters of the story.

There were two Cineramas that I used to frequent, one was around the statue of "La Diana Casadora" and the other one was the "Hollywood Cinerama" that was across from the CDI, the place where we did everything outside of school, a sports center my family and all the other Jewish families who lived in Mexico City went to for sports, daycare, classes, theater, shows, weddings, events, concerts, exhibitions, celebrities, trips and I could go on and on when I remember how convenient it all was for us then. How much easier it was to connect with the people that you knew your whole life, you saw them at school, at camp and lets not forget the CDI.

On top of it all you had to do if you wanted to go to the movies with your family or with your friends was cross the street to the "Hollywood Cinerama" and voila, you had the best just across the street.

For years I have believed that the past circumstances were easier, lighter, better, but this past Sunday I remembered the things that made it not better than how I view my life Here and Now, when I'm already entering the Winter of my life, when I should be slowing down and discarding my dreams, those that I didn't accomplish yet, when my life should be settling in and not having to concern myself with the future or what it may bright with it.

There is no doubt in my mind that the past was fantastic with everything it brought into my life, but I couldn't see it then nor take full advantage of it because of all the huge challenges that it brought with it,  seems to me that I lived my past just jumping hurdles and not necessarily enjoying it or learning from them, more of what you would consider the life of a victim as opposed to the way I live and view my life now, a fabulous adventure filled with all the contrast necessary to promote your emotional and spiritual growth.

So last Sunday I took the Bus to Westlake Station, the ride alone was like a ride at Disneyland, it travels through neighborhood streets, long two way streets, the freeway and then you go underground where it stops at several underground beautifully kept stations and the part that took my breath away with a combination of surprise, a little fear and amazement was when it went through this concrete pipe-like tunnel where only the bus fits and going through many curves at what seemed like high speed to me. You couldn't see where the tunnels ended so for a while I was conscious that we were many feet underground inside a tube.

Once I got to Westlake Station I took a little while to walk around it. What a beautiful old fashioned station, I've traveled to many places and not all stations are as elegant, inviting, clean, well patrolled and as precise as this one.

I saw how deep we were when I finally went up the escalators that take you back to the street level. It was a cold and rainy day so I was happy that I dressed for the part. On my way to the theater I stopped at my husband's place of work. He came outside through the back alley with his black apron and headband. We both looked like two teenagers who were sneaking to see each other for a moment to steal a kiss.

The theater was just at the end of the block so we said goodbye and I went my way. Inside the theater didn't let you forget where you were, it had the same blue colored tiles all over including the bathrooms, the same red and white and blue signs and even had memorabilia on display.

The movie was all and more of what I had expected, all the emotion of those wonderful Musicals I grew up with, the ones my dad introduced me to when I was a little girl, that created the magical feelings and dreams that carried me through life, bringing me here to this moment when I can cherish and appreciate everything that was that brought me what is.

The most wonderful reminders that I have found of how much one can do, be, have, feel in this lifetime are our Memories... I will remember this day forever!

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

A Vase with Flowers and a Colander with Skittles...

I have always had very mixed emotions about the internet and what it has done to and for humanity. On one hand it has done WONDERS what nothing else was even close to doing before. No amount of schools and teachers in the world could compare to what we can learn now just with a click of a mouse.

And lets not forget globalization, I mean how many airplanes and phones, news media in all it's fields and I don't believe we could have imagined all that the world really is behind closed doors. Now we are welcomed into people's houses to see how they all live and the worst part is that we get stuck on watching them live while we are just being the observers  of their lives, we have sex through the Internet, we fall in love, learn careers, meet people, become a part of groups, we watch how nature co-exists and the difference between co-existing and living the way humans chose to live and although now we can clearly see what works to have a fulfilled life and what doesn't even though we have with just a touch of a mouse the ability to become anything we want, that there are no limits to our abilities and that dreams were created to fulfill them, otherwise they wouldn't exist, even though we have all that I believe humanity has lost its spark.

Yes a lot of emotional people out there dedicated to causes and to stopping of destruction and harm to anything and anyone, still there is no end in sight to all the destruction others want and can do with the touch of a mouse.

I stayed away from social media for a long time, I didn't like what being on it was doing to me, it was taking me back in time when Ego was important to me so I left and felt so much better just living in the real world and trying to make a difference there with whatever I have to offer even with just a smile to whomever crosses my path, I only come here to my own "House in Cyberspace" where I write down my thoughts, feelings and emotions so that the day I'm no longer around my children can come back and see what their mother was all about, meantime I welcome all my guests with a warm hug and some words that come from the heart without trying to sell them anything!!!

Recently though I came back into Social Media at the request of my lovely daughter, she just thought it would be a better idea if I created an Instagram account just so that we could exchange our photos that way, that sounded great better than attaching them a little at a time on e-mails we may not get to for a while. So I opened my @youneedanita Instagram account and started to post my pictures.

There were pictures of our trip to México to see my stepson and of my daily life in general, her and I  love taking pictures that hold emotions behind the camera. So I took at picture of this lovely vase I found at Ross and fell in love with. The shape is a little odd and its see through turquoise colored glass. It's large and it holds the flower we buy every week for Shabbat. I put all these corks inside the vase as a daily reminder that my cork always has to be floating above water, never sinking down to the bottom.

Then my husband found this tiny little colander at World Market, also turquoise in color, the colors of my childhood, the ones I feel happiest around, so they decorate all of my house, just small touches of color surrounded by the comfort of dark woods. Then there's the flowers we choose at the supermarket wherever we happen to go on Fridays. We filled the colander with little bags of candy. I just like the colors I don't even eat sugar anymore and proud of myself for that.

I take time choosing flowers every week and do it with love and mixed emotions because it makes me sad that we cut them to beautify our space, so while I'm choosing to give them a home and care for them as best as I can until it's their time to part, I thank them for giving their life to make my space beautiful and fill it with joy from it's beauty, it's scent, it's color.

I love miniatures so we also got a tortilla presser that brought back so many memories not only of my own childhood but my children's as well. Having been raised in México allowed me to be a part of a different culture that enrich my life  so much and I wanted to give that to my children who didn't have that opportunity.


We used to make our own tortillas, I would give them dough and they would press their own on a little presser like this one and fill then with cheese and whatever they wanted, close them like a quesadilla and put them on the grill to melt the cheese inside. It was a lovely tradition that we had at the house. since they were very young My children will be here for Thanksgiving I'm sure they will see it and remember those times fondly.

So I put it all together and took a picture and post it on Instagram for my daughter to see and low and behold I started to get followers with my pictures, who are these people who see a picture and decides to like it and add me to their circle and why did they do that? Is it just the colors or could they see the love that went into all the stories that go behind "A Vase with Flowers and a Colander with Skittles". Who knows, it doesn't really matter, I'm just glad they liked it.

Hugs xoxo

@nit@

How Well do You Know Yourself?...

I was at a long weekend getaway with some of my friends, I believe there were 11 of us. A weekend to remember no doubt, one of those that come along perhaps once in a lifetime if you're lucky and it doesn't happen to everyone, although those who understand the value of love and bond will make it happen. Why do some people do and others don't I really don't know the answer to that, but what I do know is that when something is important enough to us we make things happen and not everything is important to everyone.

We were an interesting bunch, we came from different backgrounds although somewhere along the way in our childhood our paths happened to cross and we became fond enough of those memories that we wanted to feel that same emotion that we do when people who share lifetime experiences with you come back into your life again. There's already that familiarity, the fond memories to relive, but we are actually making a new friendship, because the memories are lovely but we are living in this now reality that probably has nothing to do with who we were when our paths crossed for the first time.

It's funny because I don't remember us being a particularly close generation. As always there were little groups of friends within the generation who did frequent each other but as a whole we didn't promote many activities to do as a group other than what the school programmed as group activities.

Throughout the years these small groups kept contact with each other since they stayed and didn't move away, but I did, I left when I was only 23 and stopped seeing or knowing from any of them for years and one day I looked back and wondered what had happened to all of them. I really wanted to see how these children that were my little classmates once with the personality that I remembered had wound up as men or women.

This particular group  of 11 was chosen by the friend who organized this long weekend. His family has the most lovely farm in a town in México and Christmas was approaching. The farm has a large main house with several bedrooms and of course living room, dining room, gardens, an enclosed pool. It had other houses around with more bedrooms for guests and another one for the staff who took care of it all, the land, the houses and the animals.  It has a vast piece of land and there was even a stream that ran through the land, one of those places that comes out of your dreams.

The staff also took care of all the guests in this case our group, but I'm sure there have been many people throughout the years that visited there.

Our group couldn't have been more diverse, screen writer, producer,  psychologist, a police woman, a couple of teachers, an art dealer, several of them very wealthy and comfortable with their lives. I remember how I felt in that place, the same way I remember feeling when I was a child in my classroom sitting towards the back, I wonder what kept me sitting there? or what made it so that I would feel that same emotion again 50 years later?

I wanted to discover who they were as adults, it was a small group, we could have written a good screenplay of this magical long weekend because it was that, the fireworks in the center of town, the cemetery that we visited with the little old man who took care of it all these years. It was a cemetery for the British soldiers who once invaded that land. He told us the story that all the tombs had to face in a particular direction I believe it was facing the Queen or England. I couldn't stop taking pictures. My friend even found a tomb that belongs to a relative of his.

We visited a firework factory, went into town to watch the dances, the music and the always amazing Mexican food! My favorite.

We sat that one night around the fireplace and I said lets get to know each other, who are we now, what memorable thing has happened in your life since the last time we saw each other and they looked at me as if I had come from another planet, one challenged me and said you start so I did.

I talk about my life to anyone not because my life is a tragedy or important enough to anyone to know what I do with my days, is important to anyone other than me but because I feel that I have arrived at a place where I can see clearly that it is us who create our own reality and that love is all there is. It took me years of painful search to find that out and now I want to share it. The only way one can teach is through their own experience so I talk about my life with pride not to attract pity or any other emotion for that matter just to illustrate. I don't feel bad about my past, I loved that I lived it and am here to talk about it.

After telling them what my life path had been and where I was at the moment they all stared at me in silence and one of them broke the ice and said "Well not everyone is as comfortable sharing about themselves" another one chuckled at a comment I made, one who had NEVER even as much as glanced at me in all the years we've known each other said "Your efforts is what got us all together to begin with" as if aw poor thing don't feel so bad you did something right. One came to tell me you are behaving like a victim.

Of course nobody said anything about themselves after that, we all just kept on being these strangers that knew each other once. Some of them more because they kept in touch all these years.

I didn't feel the need to tell them I love my life, I don't care how you view it or how sorry you feel for me I love knowing that life experiences have a purpose, that we are not our ego, that we create our own reality, that we rejoice for the success of others, that we connect with others out of love not of fear or judgement. That we should help each other fulfill dreams.

Towards the end of the reunion the psychologist pulled me to the side with a lot of empathy to offer her help, I wanted to give her a hug and tell her don't worry I don't need any help I'm great but instead I listened to what she had to say and funny enough she asked me "How well do you know yourself?" I said I've taken the past ten years of aloneness to get to know myself better so I think I know myself fairly well, OK she said "can you describe the ridges of your fingerprints? any finger. Hm I thought, maybe I should just keep on looking for what's inside of me and see what else I can learn.

How well do you know what this life is all about, how much emphasis are you placing on finding that out while you're here, is there a purpose for you to be here? "How Well Do You Know Yourself!"...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Home Sweet Home....

There are those who are lucky enough to have a place of their own to call home. They manage to purchase the "House of Their Dreams" or maybe a Condominium, a Townhouse or even a Mobil Home. Perhaps they decided that was the perfect place to set roots and they found a way to do it. I've been there several times in my life, I owned homes and Condos and Townhouses but they kept on changing as my life was doing the same.

The last house I owned was supposed to be IT. It's the only one I got attached to emotionally, the one where I raised my kids, where I saw their first steps and watched them grow. Where we celebrated many of their birthdays and cared for a lot of pets who became part of the family too. This was the only house I owned where I decided to plant my own garden and learned to care for it.

We had various types of apple trees, plumbs, bananas, mangoes, guayabas, figs, pomegranates, peaches, apricots, nectarines, cucumbers, berries, melons, watermelons, oranges, lemons, avocados, tomatoes, onions, carrots, cilantro, basil, parsley, chili peppers, beans, grapes, etc. and lets not get started with all the flowers and many types of trees, cactus and evergreens.


I always dreamt of having a stream or any small body of water running next to my house, there was this trench that the previous owner dug so that if and when it rained it wouldn't get flooded, which is not a common occurrence in Southern California, so I had the plan of putting some pipes and filling it with water so as to have my own home made stream but that never to happened. We did build a pool with a waterfall and a little pond so that counted as my body of water.

Another dream I've always had is having what I refer to as a lover's swing, a swing built for two. I did get one as a Mother's Day gift, I remember how much joy I felt when I received it, I had wanted it for so long I was savoring every moment of it, but what I don't remember is using it much for the purpose it was intended, I would often sit on it and swing all by myself and think. My husband was too busy with work and my kids with their lives, their toys, their school, their games, their friends.

The house had a tennis court that doubled as a basketball court, a pool, a trampoline, a Guest Cottage that we finished building and decorating with our own hands and the help of a construction worker. Every corner of that little guest cottage was created with so much love, I thought of our parents when they got old, or our children when they went off to college and came back to visit and hopefully stay for a while. I thought of our grandchildren, how much they were going to love visiting Nana and Poppo. It had it's own kitchen and bathroom and it looked like a suite at the best hotels, not to mention it was in the backyard and all you had to do was step out to be surrounded by everything you could need for entertainment and serenity. I even gave it it's own address 5289. Both my ex-husband and I were born in 1952 and our two children were born in 1989 so it was the most important numbers to me, they represented My Family!


The only dream I never got to fulfill there was having a Tree House. It was going to be where I went up to at first with my children to read them stories, sing songs, do picnics and later on with my grandchildren. We got it started, but we never go to finish it. So that is still in my "Bucket List".

I swore I would never sell that house, I wanted my kids to have a place to call home that brought them all the memories of the wonderful childhood they experienced there, I always wanted to have that as a child and never did so I promised myself I would give that to my children, but that dream was shattered into millions of pieces, just like the windshield of a car after it's been hit head on by a trailer whose lights were blinding me and I was unable to avoid it.

That was 10 years ago, I don't remember how many places I've rented since then, going around the world looking for that dream, the house with the yard and the plants, the room for my guests so that our children and grandchildren have a place to call home whenever they want to come visit or just move in. The stream, the swing, the scents of home cooked meals, the music, children's laughter, the sounds of family and the Tree House so that Nana, the "Born Storyteller" can tell her grandchildren all of those stories that come from a life well lived, a life filled with Passion, Hopes and Dreams and all the memories we'll create together as a Family!

In the meantime we rent here, we rent there, oh the stories I could tell you, we leave them behind to blow with the wind, the same wind that takes us to the next place, until we can finally find the one to call "Home Sweet Home"...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@