Raising a Teen...AGAIN!!!

I think raising a teen is way up there as far as challenges are concerned with going through a divorce, I know that much because I've raised two teens, a girl and a boy and I've also been through a divorce.

But what happens when I'm done raising my teens, come full circle through the divorce, gotten stronger and better than ever, gotten happily remarried and all of a sudden I find out I'm about to help finish raising a teen only this time it's not my own. I haven't had a chance to love him unconditionally I didn't raise and hardly know him so he comes to me with somebody else's life hangups and challenges, mom couldn't handle him so I said yes because I want my life partner to have a chance at the same thing I have, the satisfaction that I was always there for my children and they turned out to be two wonderful human beings.

I'm not going to lie and say that it's something I do from the heart because at times it has been very challenging and I've had feelings of resentment because it has come to take away the peaceful private and enjoyable atmosphere that my husband and I had created in our environment.

At first I allowed for the situation to settle down and adjust because I could imagine how difficult it must be for him to come from this little beach town where he grew up where he was in a very negative relationship with his mother. She never saw anything good in him, hyperactive child medicated by a very neurotic and hypochondriac mother, never put any effort into school, all he ever wanted to do was play soccer.

Mom leaves him behind and takes along the good son, the one who likes to study and learn, who is self contained, who caters to her by giving her hugs and kisses and moves very far away. So this kid who had a terrible relationship with his mother is never able to heal and close a circle.

Aren't we supposed to help those who need something we have in us to give? Wasn't I there one day when my ex-husband wanted to have a relationship with his father because he too was raised by a very dysfunctional and negative mother? Didn't his father's new wife make him kick us out of their house just because she was jealous of the re-birth of father and son relationship?

All of that is well and good, I want to be the cause of something good coming out of all this effort we have tried to put into my husband giving birth to the relationship he always wanted to have with his son, but there is also me and my desires, my rules, my needs, my privacy, my relationship with my husband.

So instead of running away and not being a part of this coming of age event in the life of a teenager in partnership with his father, I decided to make the rules very clear.

I will give up the things I've gotten accustomed to that bring me joy and peace, the time to help, the space, the patience, the guidance, but in exchange for that I will need to see passion and interest in learning and making the best choices. I will want to see appreciation for all the opportunities that life is giving him at a time when he didn't know which way to go to become a productive human being.

Now the ball is on his court, he arrived here an arrogant know it all cocky 19 year old who behaves like a 13 yr. old if I'm being generous. The first thing he did was asked dad to buy him video games and collection cards, he begrudged the cell phone we gave him with  unlimited everything. His father signed him up for the gym where I didn't sign myself up because of finances and we had strong disagreements because if I am going to have to clean up someone else's dirty work as far as raising a child is concerned it will have to be my way, otherwise this will never work.

I believe you always have to do the right thing for everyone concerned and that includes me. The other day I told my stepson. If I am stern and strong with you is because I care, the day I stop caring you will never hear from me again. So you have a choice, you either do it in this house with our rules or elsewhere with yours.

I don't care how many times I have attended these meetings with parents with problem children and how much I believe I'd be doing it a different way if that were my child, if when it happens to me I make the same mistakes I see everyone making, trying to be your kid's friend, trying to have him approve of you and like you. I rather he doesn't like me and becomes the best version possible of himself, than like me and become a loser.

There is no doubt that "Raising a Teen" is not easy, but if the Universe sent him to me at this stage in my life it must be for a reason, so I'm going to give it my best shot and see what goes...

It's starting to rain outside again, just like "Raising a Teen"...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Be The Gift...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

You Will Know How to Play the Part...

I've always admitted I don't vote and the reason I don't is because it's something I don't understand or like and there are only enough hours in a day so I rather put my energies into helping others and becoming a better version of myself than watching how Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton  make fools of themselves with their rantings.

I wanted to get involved my own way the way I believe the country would really work and the world would gain a leader to look up to but my life got too busy just trying to maintain our heads above water.

Politicians controlling everything we do taking too much of our money which goes to support those who don't want to put the effort that I and many of us have to put to "Make Life Happen on Purpose".

Next month I'll be 65 work every day and help others.  I see first hand illegal large families who receive incredible benefits that I wouldn't qualify for and yet I pay for them to get the benefits, how ironic is that I ask? I was also an immigrant once but I never asked the Country for a dime, I believe its our own responsibility to see that we have a productive life otherwise why are we here? just to take space?

I've never met the man I believe would make the best President of the United States of America and he would be the first president I vote for. The reason he would make a huge difference in the way the Country is run is because he's already studied, played, rehearsed, understood and became for months or years perhaps all the roles that can run worlds let alone countries.

He was a castaway for years with just a ball for a friend, survived and went on to a happy life after that, he's been a little boy in a big boy's body and a big boy with a little boy's mind and met presidents like that, flown into space and made it back although the odds were against him, a prison guard, a scientist, succumbed to a deadly virus but died with dignity and honor, a cop, a book chain owner, a widower, a coach, an attorney, a comedian and even a toy.

If Tom Hanks wins the Presidency of the United States of America I will be glad to be his campaign manager even though I'll almost be 70 by then but whose counting. Which means that there is still a chance for me to meet and work with Tom Hanks. My number one wish on my Bucket List.

My daughter met him once when she was working as the hostess at a restaurant very frequented by celebrities in Santa Monica, CA she told me he was as kind and charming as he appears as is his lovely wife.

I'm not really the type to be anyone's fan in particular, I admire people's talents, but not to the point of being a fan, but I am Tom's No. 1 fan. I can't even describe the millions of emotions that I have experienced thanks to your movies Tom, I'll always be grateful to you for your talent but its how real a person you have remained in spite of your fame and the challenges of life that I admire the most.

I hope you do decide to run for president, all of us who believe in you can't be wrong. I know it seems like a huge job and I'm sure it is, but I truly don't believe there is one person on this earth who has seen your movies and seen you as a real person who wouldn't offer to help out with something somehow just because Tom Hanks told them to. You'd be as great at it as you've been in every role.

You WILL know how to play the part!

Hugs xoxo
@nit@
Anita Shaffer
youneedanita@gmail.com

The Happy Rug...

I came up with that title about 25 yrs. ago when my children were only infants. I had the idea my whole life that the day I had kids I was going to be the best possible mom, so I kept on searching for those special out of the ordinary methods to raise them in a different way than how we were raised, neither of us had very clear role models in our childhood, I didn't want to make the same mistakes our parents did and have our kids wind up in the same spot where we were.

The Happy Rug was a game I designed so that we could get together as a family and talk about anything anyone needed either some clarification, some help, ask questions, or just to learn to communicate with one another.

It was actually a lot more fun than I expected it would be and the benefits were priceless.

The kids were very little when we started so they would actually ask for a Happy Rug when they felt the need to express something.

It consisted of the following. The four of us would sit on a rug and the one who had called it would hold a stethoscope on their hand. Only the person who was holding the stethoscope was allowed to talk. We came up with the stethoscope because we were supposed to talk from the heart. Once that person finished what they had to say or ask the one who wanted to talk next would raise their hand and the stethoscope was passed. Everyone got to talk and nobody ever got interrupted even if what they were saying was wrong in someone else's eyes.

We spoke so many times on the Happy Rug, at the end of the session there was always an understanding, a better feeling or emotion, we never ended the Happy Rug on a sad note even if the subject we spoke about seemed sad. We spoke about life, death, friendship, family, relationships, education, sex, world events, future hopes and dreams, ideas, doubts, fears, joys, you name it we covered it.

I remember one time when I made up four little notebooks. The cover was decorated and it had the name of each one of us. The project that day consisted of writing 10 good things we each thought about the other three. So each one wrote in three notebooks and at the end we got to keep the one with our name on it. We each read what the other three thought about us out-loud. I remember how surprised the kids were especially when they read what their sibling thought of them, as children we rarely tell each other the good things we see in them. It also made an impression on them when they were able to see themselves through the eyes of their loved ones.

I can't wait to have grandchildren to pick up where we left off, at The Happy Rug...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@