Let Go and Go With the Flow...

I always felt different, I'm sure we all do, but to me it manifested by not feeling at home anywhere outside of me and I must admit that for most of my life I was not comfortable inside either. I went through many ups and downs in my journey and when I was up I was flying high and would cling on to the feeling for as long as I could as if already knowing it wouldn't last, this was way before I started to realize that I was creating my own reality, I had no idea it was those very thoughts that were writing the next Chapters of my Life.

I don't feel shortchanged because I didn't know then what I'm starting to understand at this stage of my life, I feel fortunate and with so much gratitude that I was able to get to the point where I finally understand what it takes to grow, evolve, be grateful for every experience, to Make Life Happen On Purpose and With Purpose and look forward to what's yet to come.

Now I can actually wake up in the morning excited for the day to come. I still walk with cautious steps because it takes time to re-program the mind that has been telling me that what I'm living, experiencing, being, becoming, having was either good or bad, but I can say with all certainty and pride that I've worked hard understanding and taking responsibility for my "Life Adventure" and live it as such perhaps not every moment but pretty darn close to it.

I look for constant reminders, learning to trust my intuition based on the way things feel emotionally to me without judgement and I can see my thoughts and emotions coming to life before my eyes.

Now what happens to me from this other side of the river is that I look around me and see the people I'm in most contact with, my Micro Universe so to speak living the way I did for most of my life and I know they can't see it in themselves otherwise if they knew that how they are perceiving life and what they are and will continue to attract will be the opposite of what they want maybe something will hurt enough that they will say I don't like these results, what am I doing wrong? Is this as good as it gets?

I understand that most of the time these changes don't start to happen until the emotions we are feeling are either emotionally depleted or extreme sadness. At least that happened to me at some point and it got old feeling sad or unemotional so I went all out to find how to change that, otherwise life becomes a burden or boring at best and it might be a short life but it's long enough when you don't find motivation and you're not having fun most of the time.

We can change the way we perceive life, I do now, but we can't make those we love or surround ourselves with change the way they perceive theirs that's their path. I went from feeling like an outsider when I was on that side of the river and now I am the outsider on this side. I didn't appreciate enough the things that I had when I was there but I will be eternally grateful for the way I perceive what I lived then; and now instead of going against I decided to "Let Go and Go With the Flow!!...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Memories...

I had a fabulous experience the other day, I didn't even know that it would turn out that way but for a few hours I traveled straight to my past and my memories came rushing in. I had this ticket that my Husband gave me at Christmas time for a day at the movies at the old and beautifully refurbished Cinerama, the only one left in Seattle, WA. I had been wanting to go but it meant taking public transportation on a weekend day when I'm home, cozy trying to wind down from the workweek that is always intense for me because of my type of work. It also entailed walking to the bus stops with the weather we have here that so often rains, so I kept on postponing the movies that appealed to me like the newest Star Wars for example.

So last week I checked what was playing as I did every week for months, only to find that they were showing the only movie that I've wanted to see in years LaLaLand. That was definitely one that I had to see and what better than the Cinerama that brought me so many memories of my past growing up in Mexico City, I remember being IN LOVE with movies since I was a little girl, my father instilled that love in me because he too felt that way. My mom couldn't care less if she went to see a movie or not but my dad did and so did I and so do my kids because I took them to every appropriate movie they could see throughout the years.

I remember Cinerama being the first chain of its type in Mexico City where I was born and grew up. I believe they opened for the first time in 1962 when I was only 10 years old and could really appreciate what it took to create all that magic that transports you to a different emotions with every frame, action, site, script, music, at that time I wanted somehow to be involved in the movies so my way of involving myself without being in them, was to live them as if I was in them, as if I was one of the characters of the story.

There were two Cineramas that I used to frequent, one was around the statue of "La Diana Casadora" and the other one was the "Hollywood Cinerama" that was across from the CDI, the place where we did everything outside of school, a sports center my family and all the other Jewish families who lived in Mexico City went to for sports, daycare, classes, theater, shows, weddings, events, concerts, exhibitions, celebrities, trips and I could go on and on when I remember how convenient it all was for us then. How much easier it was to connect with the people that you knew your whole life, you saw them at school, at camp and lets not forget the CDI.

On top of it all you had to do if you wanted to go to the movies with your family or with your friends was cross the street to the "Hollywood Cinerama" and voila, you had the best just across the street.

For years I have believed that the past circumstances were easier, lighter, better, but this past Sunday I remembered the things that made it not better than how I view my life Here and Now, when I'm already entering the Winter of my life, when I should be slowing down and discarding my dreams, those that I didn't accomplish yet, when my life should be settling in and not having to concern myself with the future or what it may bright with it.

There is no doubt in my mind that the past was fantastic with everything it brought into my life, but I couldn't see it then nor take full advantage of it because of all the huge challenges that it brought with it,  seems to me that I lived my past just jumping hurdles and not necessarily enjoying it or learning from them, more of what you would consider the life of a victim as opposed to the way I live and view my life now, a fabulous adventure filled with all the contrast necessary to promote your emotional and spiritual growth.

So last Sunday I took the Bus to Westlake Station, the ride alone was like a ride at Disneyland, it travels through neighborhood streets, long two way streets, the freeway and then you go underground where it stops at several underground beautifully kept stations and the part that took my breath away with a combination of surprise, a little fear and amazement was when it went through this concrete pipe-like tunnel where only the bus fits and going through many curves at what seemed like high speed to me. You couldn't see where the tunnels ended so for a while I was conscious that we were many feet underground inside a tube.

Once I got to Westlake Station I took a little while to walk around it. What a beautiful old fashioned station, I've traveled to many places and not all stations are as elegant, inviting, clean, well patrolled and as precise as this one.

I saw how deep we were when I finally went up the escalators that take you back to the street level. It was a cold and rainy day so I was happy that I dressed for the part. On my way to the theater I stopped at my husband's place of work. He came outside through the back alley with his black apron and headband. We both looked like two teenagers who were sneaking to see each other for a moment to steal a kiss.

The theater was just at the end of the block so we said goodbye and I went my way. Inside the theater didn't let you forget where you were, it had the same blue colored tiles all over including the bathrooms, the same red and white and blue signs and even had memorabilia on display.

The movie was all and more of what I had expected, all the emotion of those wonderful Musicals I grew up with, the ones my dad introduced me to when I was a little girl, that created the magical feelings and dreams that carried me through life, bringing me here to this moment when I can cherish and appreciate everything that was that brought me what is.

The most wonderful reminders that I have found of how much one can do, be, have, feel in this lifetime are our Memories... I will remember this day forever!

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Como Decía Mi Mamá...

Yo estoy convencida de que mi mamá era un Angel con cuerpo de humano, no porque nunca haya hecho nada inapropiado sino porque tenía el más grande de los corazones que yo he conocido. No me quedó muy claro el porque de todo el sufrimiento que ella vivió en su vida, cosas que hubieran creado monstruos de otras personas que lo hubiesen tenido que vivir y sin embargo ella fue bondadosa y generosa hasta el último momento a pesar de sus experiencias de vida.

Yo creo que una de las razones por las que yo siempre me resistí a ser como mi mamá fue por lo mucho que la vi sufrir, tanto como de niña y más aún como adulto. Al ver lo vulnerable que fue su vida yo decidí salir a buscar mi camino de una manera muy distinta.

Después de muchos años de buscarle el sentido a la vida y con el entendimiento de que somos nosotros los que pavimentamos de uno en uno nuestro propio camino entiendo que tiene que haber un balance entre lo que sentimos, lo que pensamos y lo que hacemos para ser esos Angeles en la vida de los demás sin dejar de serlo en la nuestra.

Hace unos años escuchaba a diario un programa de radio conducido por la Dra. Laura Schlessinger, el show consistía en que sus radio escuchas la llamaban por teléfono para hacerle una pregunta de como manejar algún entronque en el que se encontraban en sus vidas y ella les daba una respuesta de dos minutos a cada una de las preguntas por complicadas o sencillas que fueran solo les regalaba dos minutos.

Es de entenderse que en dos minutos no puedes darle ninguna vuelta a cualquier tema ya que nadie sacaría beneficios de su llamada, lo que ella hacía era ir directo al corazón del tema. Eso la hacía sonar dura porque la verdad a veces es dura, pero si alguien no te la dice y tu no puedes verla ya que estas permitiendo que tu vida no esté en armonía no vas a poder darte cuenta de que eres tu el que está creando esa falta de armonía en tu propia vida.

Gracias a las lecciones que mi mamá me dio en combinación con las que he aprendido a lo largo de mi Aventura de Vida he tratado de combinar el amor, la bondad, el servicio a los demás, junto con mi propio valor, autoestima y perseverancia en mi camino a cumplir todos y cada uno de mis sueños.

Al mismo tiempo también he aprendido que si alguien acude a mi para darme un consejo de algo que ven en mi que tal vez yo no haya logrado ver, darle la consideración necesaria y buscarlo en mi, ya que no mucha gente tiene el valor de decirte algo que pudiera o no ser lo que tu quieras escuchar o reconocer y cuando alguien acude a mi para pedir mi opinión o tal vez un consejo sigo mi corazón que me dice que tengo la obligación de ir directo al corazón del asunto y responderles lo que yo veo en ellos aún cuando sea algo que ellos no quisieran escuchar o logren ver en si mismos, de otra manera mis palabras serían falsas, algo que nunca he sido o terminarían por no tener ningún valor para aquel que ha decidido acceder a mi en esencia para ver como yo manejaría la situación en la que ellos se encuentran.

Mi madre tenía mucha sabiduría porque escuchó a su corazón que le decía que el amor es lo único que existe y que hay que darlo incondicionalmente, lo que nunca supo es que ella también formaba parte de todos a quienes ella daba amor y que sus deseos y sus sueños también valían, que si los tenemos es porque venimos a cumplirlos, de otra manera no los tendríamos.

Al final de su vida mi hija le hizo una pregunta "Hay algo que hubieras querido ser?" y ella le respondió que le hubiese gustado ser Arqueologa!!! su respuesta me dejó muda primero porque ella y yo teníamos una linda relación y hablábamos mucho y sin embargo jamás me mencionó siquiera que le interesara la Arqueología yo me imaginaba a mi mamá más bien en el campo de la medicina porque ella actuaba como la enfermera de tantos dentro y fuera de nuestra familia, eso me demostró que tal vez yo nunca conocí su Espíritu, aquella Alma libre que viene a esta dimensión a hacer correcciones y a cumplir sueños, por lo que yo hoy me dedico a cumplir los míos y lo hago por mí, por ella y por todos aquellos que se fueron antes de lograr cumplirlos y trato a la vez de ayudar a otros a cumplir los suyos cada vez que puedo.

"Como Decía Mi Mamá" "Sé Feliz Anita!" lo que me hace seguir mi camino con la alegría de saber que estoy cumpliendo sus deseos y los míos.

Abrazos xoxo
@nit@

We Just Have to...

It's been a fascinating adventure from the moment that my husband and I made the decision to move to the US only 3 short years ago. I had lived here most of my adult life, since 1979 to be exact, but a few years back things happened and I decided to move away to try to figure out who I was and what I was capable of.

So three years ago I came back to the place I call home only this time there was someone else with me, the man I decided to continue this life adventure with and he had never been to the USA before nor does he speak the language. We really had no idea what we were going to do, how we were going to survive, where we were going to live, to work, to make ends meet and then to grow to get the vision that I hold of my life.

I have to admit that at times I've had my doubts but the majority of the time I didn't. I just went day by day walking in the direction of my dreams and sometimes making what before I would have seen as scary decisions only this time I knew inside what felt right.

It's only 3 yrs. later, it's been an adventure that I would have never wanted to miss, although I've wanted to quit and escape the many challenges that appeared in our path many times. From health to weight gain to a place to call home, to work, to exhaustion to lack of funds to adjustment to all the many changes and roles that we have to play to get back to the other side, where we can pick up where I left off years back, traveling and visiting every corner of the world, helping people in whatever we have to offer, sharing wonderful moments surrounded by family, growing our own organic produce, having a place to receive our loved ones.

The more we've walked in trust the more we've grown and the faster things fall into place giving us all the opportunities that we were hoping to have only a short while back. Today we both have jobs we love, we get to help others, we have a lovely place to call home where we can sit by the fire, cook outdoors on the grill and even plant some organic produce, we spent the holidays surrounded by the Love of our family for the first time in a long time,  I even got my bounce back, I walk in confidence and opportunities for growth keep on appearing without having to go out and look for them, that part already stayed back in the past, the challenges now are more about steps we each continue to take to access more of our own abilities and continue growing and crossing off wishes from our individual "Bucket Lists".

I get excited just thinking about all the different experiences that will no doubt continue to appear because "That's How the Universe Works"!!!...

Don't walk or run, just bounce, don't think just act, don't ask just give, don't compete just win, don't smile just laugh, don't mope just cry, don't just dream, imagine! and most important of all don't Hope just KNOW!. All you have to do is be in complete Gratitude of everything that has ever been that took you all the way to where you are right now, look around you and see how well that works for Nature and Trust.

We just have to... Make Life Happen on Purpose and With Purpose!!!



Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Be The Gift...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

"You're Gonna Miss Them When They're Gone"...

I believe that Unconditional Love has to be understood in all its concepts in order to be able to invite it into our lives, otherwise it can be confused with different emotions. I think all human beings have the innate ability to feel love and  be loved but not unconditionally, we love things or people that bring into our lives some reward, whether it is their company, their exciting personality, their monetary support, the way they treat us or how they can understand and contain us, there is trust too, that's a whole other intense emotion, but hardly if ever to the point of it being unconditional.

Like the word says it is without conditions placed upon the love that we feel for someone. Most of the times the strongest feeling of emotional and mostly unconditional love would be the love of a parent to their children and viceversa, the strongest being that of a mother to her children, a lot of reasons for that being the case, but sometimes even that love is not without conditions, such as a child having strong mental problems that would turn them into criminals, some mothers continue to claim love for their children who deeply hurt others but some mothers have expressed feelings of hatred too.

I find that the best way possible to understand what unconditional love means and try to attract it into your life is going to the one or two human beings that have impacted your life the most, your parents. Nobody is perfect, everyone is going to do something that we are not going to like, but if you really want to learn unconditional love you can't judge your parents unless you are willing to place yourself in their shoes and that's impossible.

Perhaps something your parents did hurt you deeply, but are you sure it is their fault that happened? do you really believe that when they made the decision to take that action that brought you a painful emotion that their intention was to hurt you or perhaps it was their attempt at surviving or evolving themselves as better human beings so that you would have a better frame of reference in your own life of how it's done?

If you ever want to know what Unconditional Love means you must forgive your parents and give them all the Love that you can while you still have them around. Otherwise you will not know how to teach that to your children so you won't receive it back from them either and also because "You're Gonna Miss Them When They're Gone" no matter what. I promise you that...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

The Happiest Thanksgiving of my Life...

I got busy very early this morning going from one room to the other of the house. I'm so used to having the house impeccable because if something gets messy or dirty I just clean it right away and not allow things to lay around, but I just had a hurricane that came by and stayed for a little while to make our house feel more like a home full of Life Love and Laughter than I've had in a long time.

The moment my husband walked out the door to go to work I did a couple of things and everywhere I looked around I would see something else that needed to be done, whether it was washing or drying, changing beds or cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming or dusting it's gotta get done before my husband comes back home at 2:30 pm. or I would feel bad that I just sat around writing and listening to music, or relaxing in the tub after he helped me pull off the Happiest Thanksgiving of our Lives...

I stood in the middle of the living room and saw the mess, assessed the time it will take me to put the house back and my eyes landed on the picture in the silver frame.

At that moment I started to feel the emotions with even more intensity than I was at the moment that picture was being taken. I remember I was trying to make Sinatra feel comfortable on my lap and smile at the same time :)

So instead of going back to tidying up I decided to let my heart pour all of its emotions out while they are still so latent inside me.

I was telling my lovely daughter and her handsome boyfriend that this picture reminded me of the vision I had of the future outcome of my life when I was just a little girl and that picture that I visualized in my thoughts and my dreams was now sitting on my little coffee table that I ran to buy just before they came to brighten our house with their Love, young vibrant energy, laughter, lightness, success, union as siblings and significant others and lets not forget the happiness those two beautiful puppies bring every time they are around. I cannot even wrap my heart around what it will be like when there are little feet running around making a mess in my yard and helping me plant vegetables and fruits, watching them grow. Then coming back in the house as we sit in front of the fireplace while I read them stories just like I did to my children when they were growing up.

I made a conscious effort to be present in every moment not trying to orchestrate everything but rather allowing it to flow and it did in the best way possible. I watched my children having fun and a strong unity and everyone in the room got that much closer. It brought back memories of what it felt like to be a family sitting around the table and just having fun being with those who know us and can still love us with all our flaws and value our strengths.

I remember dreaming of these moments when I was younger, but even in my wildest dreams couldn't have imagined the stories contained inside the silver frame and the image of a life of ups and downs, highs and lows, strengths and weaknesses, walking paths, crossing rivers and climbing mountains and landing back on my sofa in front of the fire. Back after a long road of our intense fight for inward growth.

We ate healthy food, laughed till our bellies hurt, saw pictures, told stories and got to know each other better at a deeper level, listened to music, played table games, did fun crafts, even got to briefly travel across the border to beautiful Vancouver for the day.

I feel very lucky that my daughter loves to take photographs as much as I do because I didn't take one single one, I made it my purpose to be present in the moment at every moment and I notice that when I want to capture the moment through my camera I distract myself from the moment somehow to capture something for later and I didn't want that to happen when my children were around, I wanted to drink in all the emotions that my heart was feeling after such a long road to land them back together with me on my couch sharing each other's hopes, dreams, passions and present realities.

When my son and his lovely fiance came to pick up my daughter and her boyfriend they both handed me two beautiful gift bags, I couldn't have imagined what would be inside but I knew it had to be something where there was a lot of heart involved because that's how my daughter is, always so thoughtful with everyone trying to get them what she knows will bring them joy so I opened them just like I remember opening presents on my birthday or holiday when I was little child, with excited anticipation and I wasn't wrong.

There was that photo that would inspire me to write this post with tears of joy in my eyes, same tears I allowed myself to share with them at a moment of need to express all of those emotions that we hold inside for so long that one day like this they just come out without control. There were other pictures just as wonderful each one with a different message, memory and emotion that gets stirred inside.

There was also a card, I opened that first actually and read the sentiments both wrote to myself and my wonderful husband and they made me melt.

There was a packet of ladybug stickers, no doubt my daughter knows what I like, they also went around looking for the Kinder eggs with toys inside because they know how much I love miniatures and how much of a child I am.  We all had fun opening them up and putting them together, we were laughing so much at the fact that it all started with the purple whale I have in my tub that my stepson and husband got me and here it was a Kinder Egg from Canada with another miniature whale in the egg I got, what were the chances of that?

All of a sudden I saw the roles being reversed, I used to be the one giving them toys now she goes around looking for those she knows I will love and she's always right.

As I stood this morning in the living room deciding whether to clean up and put things away or write I looked up to the ceiling where a beautiful hummingbird alebrije that we bought in Ciudad Juárez to represent the presence of my mom in my house hangs. My husband hung it with a thin transparent string from a sprinkler that is right in the middle of the room so it looks as if it's flying. My eyes landed on it as I was admiring the picture on my table and I felt my mom's presence sending me her blessings and reminding me what being a mother is really all about.

My heart filled with so much gratitude that I just needed to sit down and let all the emotions pour out into my words so they don't get lost in memories that become distant and eventually fade out or get forgotten in our busy lives.

I love all the stories that go behind every one of those smiles in the picture in the silver frame because they all make us who we are and because it brings us back to the times when we were a family living under one roof with the same common goals and dreams.

My daughter's boyfriend also handed me a bag with a beautiful shawl that I loved. I wanted to slip it on right away so they could see how perfect those are for me, I learned that when he bought it since he didn't even know me at the time he just went with his intuition of what I might like. Once here he saw how it's mostly shawls that I wear because they are the best for me at this time and I didn't have anything like the one he gave me. As I was rushing to put it on I took care of taking off the tag that was being held by a tiny safety pin. I always keep the tags until I have a chance to look at them, I like to know about the clothes I use to wrap my body around. I left the tag sitting on top of my desk without looking at it and slipped the shawl on. We all said how great it was and I kept it on till I went to turn in for the night.

Right now as I was writing this post the tag was slipping down from where I had left it on top of my sewing project that was on a slant. I saw it slipping off the periphery of my eyes and turned to catch it so it wouldn't fall to the ground and I'd have to bend down and my eyes landed on the only word printed on that small cream cardboard label inside a dark brown triangle. All it said was 'dreamers'.

That's me I thought, it was a very strong confirmation of the purpose of dreams that if our hearts hold on to a dream it's for a reason, they are here to be fulfilled otherwise they wouldn't exist and if we really believe and walk in their direction one day they will turn into "The Happiest Thanksgiving of Your Life"...

With so much Gratitude to everything that was which makes everything that is a Reality!...

@nit@

A Vase with Flowers and a Colander with Skittles...

I have always had very mixed emotions about the internet and what it has done to and for humanity. On one hand it has done WONDERS what nothing else was even close to doing before. No amount of schools and teachers in the world could compare to what we can learn now just with a click of a mouse.

And lets not forget globalization, I mean how many airplanes and phones, news media in all it's fields and I don't believe we could have imagined all that the world really is behind closed doors. Now we are welcomed into people's houses to see how they all live and the worst part is that we get stuck on watching them live while we are just being the observers  of their lives, we have sex through the Internet, we fall in love, learn careers, meet people, become a part of groups, we watch how nature co-exists and the difference between co-existing and living the way humans chose to live and although now we can clearly see what works to have a fulfilled life and what doesn't even though we have with just a touch of a mouse the ability to become anything we want, that there are no limits to our abilities and that dreams were created to fulfill them, otherwise they wouldn't exist, even though we have all that I believe humanity has lost its spark.

Yes a lot of emotional people out there dedicated to causes and to stopping of destruction and harm to anything and anyone, still there is no end in sight to all the destruction others want and can do with the touch of a mouse.

I stayed away from social media for a long time, I didn't like what being on it was doing to me, it was taking me back in time when Ego was important to me so I left and felt so much better just living in the real world and trying to make a difference there with whatever I have to offer even with just a smile to whomever crosses my path, I only come here to my own "House in Cyberspace" where I write down my thoughts, feelings and emotions so that the day I'm no longer around my children can come back and see what their mother was all about, meantime I welcome all my guests with a warm hug and some words that come from the heart without trying to sell them anything!!!

Recently though I came back into Social Media at the request of my lovely daughter, she just thought it would be a better idea if I created an Instagram account just so that we could exchange our photos that way, that sounded great better than attaching them a little at a time on e-mails we may not get to for a while. So I opened my @youneedanita Instagram account and started to post my pictures.

There were pictures of our trip to México to see my stepson and of my daily life in general, her and I  love taking pictures that hold emotions behind the camera. So I took at picture of this lovely vase I found at Ross and fell in love with. The shape is a little odd and its see through turquoise colored glass. It's large and it holds the flower we buy every week for Shabbat. I put all these corks inside the vase as a daily reminder that my cork always has to be floating above water, never sinking down to the bottom.

Then my husband found this tiny little colander at World Market, also turquoise in color, the colors of my childhood, the ones I feel happiest around, so they decorate all of my house, just small touches of color surrounded by the comfort of dark woods. Then there's the flowers we choose at the supermarket wherever we happen to go on Fridays. We filled the colander with little bags of candy. I just like the colors I don't even eat sugar anymore and proud of myself for that.

I take time choosing flowers every week and do it with love and mixed emotions because it makes me sad that we cut them to beautify our space, so while I'm choosing to give them a home and care for them as best as I can until it's their time to part, I thank them for giving their life to make my space beautiful and fill it with joy from it's beauty, it's scent, it's color.

I love miniatures so we also got a tortilla presser that brought back so many memories not only of my own childhood but my children's as well. Having been raised in México allowed me to be a part of a different culture that enrich my life  so much and I wanted to give that to my children who didn't have that opportunity.


We used to make our own tortillas, I would give them dough and they would press their own on a little presser like this one and fill then with cheese and whatever they wanted, close them like a quesadilla and put them on the grill to melt the cheese inside. It was a lovely tradition that we had at the house. since they were very young My children will be here for Thanksgiving I'm sure they will see it and remember those times fondly.

So I put it all together and took a picture and post it on Instagram for my daughter to see and low and behold I started to get followers with my pictures, who are these people who see a picture and decides to like it and add me to their circle and why did they do that? Is it just the colors or could they see the love that went into all the stories that go behind "A Vase with Flowers and a Colander with Skittles". Who knows, it doesn't really matter, I'm just glad they liked it.

Hugs xoxo

@nit@

Celebrations vs Celebrating...

I don't get the purpose for Celebrations and Holidays and I'm the opposite of a Scrooge because I spend my life in constant celebration, what I don't get is why humans pick a day to celebrate something in particular, no matter what that may be, from Christmas to Postal Workers. Have you noticed how everything has a day? I mean somebody does a little good deed for the community and all of a sudden they dedicate that day to this brave man.

I celebrate the miracle of life every day, every moment, I don't need a particular day to do that, if my path crosses the mail person you bet I will introduce myself and thank them for always placing my mail so diligently and at Xmas time I will leave them a little token of our appreciation. I will tell the clerk at the store that I appreciated her kindness or anyone I am able to gift with a word of appreciation will feel celebrated and my gift to myself is finding someone who needs the gift of celebration and I happen to be one of them.

I said once jokingly that I rather celebrate Groundhog Day at least they get noticed for a day, than any day more so days like Mother's day.  Do you have any idea what I would give to be with my Mom one more day? I'd give years of life to have her here with me even just one more day, so if I had her for longer I'd celebrate with her every moment of every day.

So if you can convince me that celebrating the doctors and the secretaries one day of the year does anything for anyone even on that day you're wrong, that's just stroking the Ego like we need that! Try celebrating everything every day even the bumps on the road have to be celebrated, if not look back at your life and what do you celebrate and remember fondly today, the parties you threw for whatever celebration or the challenges you overcame?

So I say stop the Celebrations and start Celebrating!...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

It's None of Your Business...

Have you ever noticed that whatever anyone does with you, for you or to you has actually nothing to do with you? I know that sounds farfetched but just think for a moment, it may seem that all those emotions that you feel for someone else positive or negative have to do with that person but it has only to do with you, with your thoughts, your needs, your desires, your fears, its all you and nothing to do with them. I know what you're thinking, but I love them, I tend to them, I worry about them and no matter how you look at it to me it has nothing to do with them and all of it to do with you.

If it was them would we stop loving somebody who hurt us? would we hurt someone we love on purpose? could we fall out of love and trade them for someone else? To me Love means something different, it means that you do anything that is humanly possible to make that other person happy and in return they do the same. How many people do you know who do that consistently for as long as we both shall live, I don't know anyone including me, do you?

My take on it is that if this is all about Who I Am and what role do I play in the collective energy then I  must learn how not to take anything personal or think that I'm responsible for someone else's path. I see now that when I work on Who I Am I can be a much better version of myself and what I give to others comes from a better part of me. I also noticed that I receive more love this way, just when I stopped looking for love and started giving it freely did it come back the same way.

I also noticed that your strength comes from that part of you that decided to be grateful for everything and give love freely because you always keep yourself in a state of joy. So in other words you control your own level of joy with all that you do for others. That just makes me keep on nurturing myself, walking towards my dreams and fulfilling them one at a time because it leaves me with this huge surplus of joy and emotional energy to gift to others.

I know what others have done to me is "None of My Business", but I want to make it my business to do things for others. That's a good business to be in...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

I Should Have Danced one Last Dance...

I don't remember when was the last time I danced with my father. My relationship with my dad went through many different stages only to end up the way it started.

I remember very well the image I had of my dad when I was a little girl and the reason I remember it so well is because when that image changed it was never the same again. I loved my dad, he was my hero, he was smart and sharp, charming, charismatic, upbeat, he spoke several languages including difficult ones like Yiddish and French. He was very talented, artistic and most of all he didn't seem shy. He acted in Community Plays and many times had the lead role, he was friends with Abraham Zabludowsky  because they went to school together and knew other celebrities as well. I remember he was a Mason, I never knew what that was because he kept it all secret, so he knew how to keep secrets that was honorable to me.

His father, my dear dear Seide Eli was always sick, he had Burgers Disease, a disease of the blood that when he would get a cut the area could become gangrened and he lost several parts of his body to it, like the pinky on one hand and part of his leg from the knee down, my brother and I used to fight for who was going to sit on his half leg in the back seat of the car. To us it was fun, we didn't think anything of it because we grew up around that. But to my dad it changed the way he handled his life. He gave up going to Medical School after only a year because he had to take care of his parents. They had a small canning company that canned all types of chiles like serrano, jalapeño,  chipotle, vegetables like carrots, etc. The factory was right next to their beautiful house in the Lindavista neighborhood of Mexico City.

But it goes way back, my grandpa also had a huge potential, he was born in Alexandria, Egypt where his father was opening a new Synagogue. He was a religious man opening synagogues around the world. He took some of his children with him to Mexico to open one there. My Seide became a chemist, very profitable and comfortable path ahead of him but when you are sick nothing you plan works out the way you thought it would and in the end that's what happened, Seide Eli didn't make it the way he planned and neither did my dad. Their intentions were good but their circumstances were not.

I always thought my dad could have been very successful in the entertainment industry because he had the potential and the talent and most of all because he seemed to love it so much, he certainly had much more personality than some of the personalities that have succeeded and he had the desire and the drive, but he gave up on the dream.

I remember dancing with him all the time at parties, he was the Master of Ceremonies at most of the events of the Mexican Jewish Community and outside of it sometimes. I remember every weekend he would get all dressed up with a Tuxedo, he had a couple, he looked sharp and even his demeanor changed. He was happy to go to his parties to help liven them up and he helped himself as well bringing that extra money home. I'm sure there must have been MANY a times when he didn't want to go and spend all of his free time working to make others happy, but I never saw that in his face or his actions.

Outside of that he was a good salesman, he made a living certainly, we always had all we needed but he never got to where he wanted. Our lives were comfortable with the basics never luxuries.

Many things happened throughout the years with me and my dad. As the years went on so did the disenchantment from the man who once was my hero. He became more and more dependent on me and my mom,  it was always I who had to make the efforts to have closeness, to invite them, to make sure they were fine. We never really discussed his economy or his decisions and yet at the end it was I who handled his account till the day he died.

I was very lucky and grateful that my brother took over his well being in the last years of his life. He had to work that much harder to keep him in a place where he knew they would take care of him till the end with dignity. All the nurses and caretakers in that place loved Mr. Monty, he was still the same charmer and best dancer of the bunch. They all took turns dancing with him. I on the other hand, was unable to care for him or even see him again once I moved back to the United States to be near my children I had to work my way back and couldn't return before he died.

I'm happy that I was able to forgive, understand and stop judging his flaws, weaknesses, his inability to show love, that he stopped believing in himself and gave up on his dreams.

I was lucky to develop a stronger and more loving relationship with him towards the end of his life and thanked him for all he did for me while I was growing up. I have him to thank for my love of the arts.

At the end I learned to enjoy very much doing anything that I knew would bring him happiness. But I will always regret not being able to hug him one last time.

I Should Have Danced One Last Dance with my Dad...

RIP at last Dad, I Love You Very Much!!!

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

"What if This is As Good As It Gets?"...

I've been watching live online Kabbalah lessons on and off for a few years now, thinking back I've always had this burning curiosity most of all about life itself. I've asked myself so many questions we most likely all do at some point or another, usually when we don't feel right about something we attracted into our experience.

Who am I? What am I here for? Where is here? Am I going somewhere next? Is death really the end? Am I having fun figuring it all out or am I taking everything too personal? Is my experience an adventure or a penitence? Am I paying a price or getting away with murder? What exactly am I supposed to be doing? Is this "As Good As It Gets"?

I can go on and on with the questions that have popped in my mind over a lifetime and no matter how much I've discovered, learned, how clear I feel now about my personal adventure, I keep on searching and discovering new things every day and I have my own curiosity to thank for that. That insatiable need to know what's true and what isn't, what's real and what's fake, how to understand and avoid having those negative emotions like fear, anger, resentment, pain, anguish, jealousy that I've experienced at times in my life and how to take full and complete responsibility for any and every outcome, all I attract into my life and how to remain in a state of harmony and acceptance of all that is instead of placing resistance where there shouldn't be any. 

I'm always open to whatever my life presents to me because I know nothing. I just go in search of the answers and in everything I search I can relate to some part of my findings. I base my decisions on what makes sense to me and of course the more I search for the answers the bigger the questions.

The perception I have of Kabbalah is that there is a Creator and a Creature (that's us here in what they call the Corporeal World) we are just One Creature that Source created to give us all Source is which is Complete Bestowal or The Will to Bestow. The Creator needed what they call a Vessel to Bestow so we were created as the Vessel of Reception or The Will to Receive. And let's just stop there because it has to be taught by those who really take the time to study while I am just an observer so I can make more intelligent decisions on how to be the best version of myself and try to help others do the same.

Just like with Kabbalah I have had curiosity about other beliefs and religions. I wouldn't say I've studied any of them in depth, what I do is search for those beliefs they all have in common, that's what matters most to me because everyone that ever existed since the beginning of words has had thoughts, beliefs and experiences and if all of them agree with a few of all of those put together, then that become a great candidate for me to vote to incorporate it into my Life Experience.

Kabbalah says that we are all One and so does every other religion. They all agree there is nothing else other than The Creator or whatever name you call our original Source.

So if The Creature (Us) is a vessel of reception and in order to receive correction we have to become like The Creator, because of the way we were created we can't do that on our own, we have to do it as a collective, in other words as the One Creature that we are by joining forces together.

I wanted to write the definition, synonyms and antonyms  for the word Humanitarian but I found 299 synonyms and 134 antonyms and that's just a waste of time and space. 

We are The Will to Receive and apparently we don't have a clue what The Will to Bestow means, I know a lot of us would like to know but in order to find out we are supposed to go through the stages of correction and do it as one.

How many celebrities not only from the Entertainment Industry, or people in your own circles, friends, family members, acquaintances, etc. do you know that say they are any of the definitions,  descriptions or synonyms of Humanitarian. Yes maybe they open schools for poor girls in Africa to help them make something of themselves, or teach women in third world countries a craft or a trade so they can help raise their children, donate to the charity of their choice, maybe build hospitals, fund a few grants, pay for someone's college or help rescue victims of Natural Disasters. All those things are wonderful and everyone involved in making this a better world should be praised and appreciated but this is not what it is meant by The Will to Bestow, apparently it can't be if we are created as a vessel of reception. Full Bestowal is do everything for others nothing for yourself.

I read once where they were talking about Humanitarians of the caliber of Ghandi and Mother Teresa, they don't come any better and yet what it said was that even when you become a true humanitarian like them it is still not considered complete bestowal because there is still the part of the EGO that makes them feel better doing it than the guilt of not getting involved,  that they help others because it makes them feel good and that it must be Complete Bestowal in order to reach the level of correction to become like The Creator.  And it's not one correction it's hundreds, not one step on the ladder its lots.

I have a difficult time believing that the day will come when all of us will join forces together to get back to The Creature that The Creator Created no matter how many "Humanitarians" there are out there, perhaps more now than ever but then again we are more of everything, we are simply more divided each time and in my humble opinion and observation Egoism is at its worse, I'm sure most of us do our part the best we can, I do it every day with as many people as I am able who happen to cross my path in the best possible way but I'm just as happy to go back home and retreat from the world, from all the portions of Me who are out there living their own experience. 

Even if this is "As Good As It Gets, Always Look on the Bright Side of Life!...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

You Can Call Me Cashew...

I've been called crazy many times, most of them as jokes, "Oh Mom you're a nut" my daughter said jokingly once to which I remember replying "And proud of it my love" and being that Cashews are my FAVORITE type of nuts I added to that "You Can Call Me Cashew, I'm a Fine Nut!"
In fact ten years ago when I started writing this Blog I labeled the area where I describe a little bit about myself as "Call Me Cashew".

I just think I must be a Nut if I'm one of the few that can see the world as different as I do compared to the majority. Everybody can't be a nut so it must be me I thought.

I hear everyone saying that you need to be kind and loving, giving and caring, generous and encourage others. truthful to yourself and to others but if you tell somebody something they don't want to hear or are willing to consider you're probably out of their lives. If you do something for yourself they don't approve of you're out of their lives, if you are giving you are called weak and if you open yourself to receive you are called selfish, if you encourage others you must need something and if you ask for what you need most of the time you'll get denied.

Working in Education with about 15,000 students I've had the opportunity to get to know A LOT of the details that go on in people's lives. I also decided to be "Mary Poppins" this summer that school was out so that opened doors for me to see what goes behind closed doors. I didn't need to confirm that money has nothing to do with certain behaviors and although I'm very fortunate never to have been exposed to physical abuse first hand, there are a lot of well intended people in the world trying to raise the newer generations that in my perception will not get the results they expect.

It's easier to see other people's challenges when you are not emotionally involved or in need to make decisions, so I listen, I observe and somehow I can see what will happen. I've been lucky enough to see a lot of these children that I met once as infants now as adults and what I saw happening so many years back, happened.

I really don't mind being a Nut, I know I do things that others wouldn't consider but if I'm going to take the time to do any of them it will always be to stay balanced and in harmony with this life I'm living with Love and good intentions.

So feel free to "Call Me Cashew!"

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

The Boy in the Taco Stand...

I was thinking about this young man I met once and wondering how much of our responsibility is it to try to influence in a positive way a child's mind. Why should we talk to a strange child to see if we can inject some positivity into their lives, "Why Not"!!! is what I Ask, we are out and about most of the day bumping into strangers all day long, there comes this young impressionable person who is out in the world trying to find their way into a strange society filled with hatred and big egos and comparisons and a little bit of joy here and there, if I have two minutes with these children what can I do with that time to boost their confidence or give them some sort of life strategy.

I'll give you an example of thousands. I was living in the BEAUTIFUL city of Querétaro, Qro. Mexico. I had tried to go back to my country of birth to see if I could fit in after being gone for 35 yrs. I tried, I really tried, part of me belonged there but there are so many things about Mexico that don't work that no matter the culture, the food, the charm, the people are no longer as kind and hospitable as they used to be when I grew up there, the prices weren't that much cheaper, except for housing, that was the most attractive part for me, I could live in a lovely house for half the price of a little studio apartment in the US.

So I blended in easily I never left the culture, I work with Latinos it's my job, I did all the things I used to do when I lived there and had a lovely routine. One day a week they had this street mini market that served dinner to the locals, they put carps, long tables, metal folding chairs, maybe donated by one of the Beer Companies, as were the tables and the local ladies or guys who were cooks at home made these delicious home made meals and took them there to sell them to the locals and I loved going there for dinner once a week.

I would normally sit all by myself and people watch. I'd eat 3 tacos or quesadillas with a lot of salsa and maybe flan for desert. This one night it was the day before Mother's Day. Three teenagers sat by me and said hi, they were polite lovely kids and I had two minutes with them so I decided to start a conversation by asking "so are you guys ready for Mother's Day tomorrow"? Two of them said yes and the one next to me said I'm not, I still don't know what to get my mom and I don't have much money. So you can imagine that was my cue. That's what I could gift them with, just a strong weapon to last them a lifetime and bring joy into their lives.

I asked him "Would you like me to give you a suggestion coming from the Mom side of me of something that would not cost you a penny and would bring her the most joy"? Yes of course he answered as did his brother and sister although they already had bought her a gift. It intrigued them what that could be.

So first to validate my suggestion I told him I have two children, so I know what it feels like to receive just a gift vs receiving a letter or at best a letter with a gift. First the letter because for a mom the words put together with an action of love and kindness is all that we will ever need. Just a validation that we are doing a good job and that you are aware of it and appreciating it.

Then there's the gift, the gift if you are able to find a way of getting her one, which you should because you can do a chore for someone and get paid just to buy her a small token. The best for a mom is something she can keep to remind her of that moment. Like say a frame with a picture you chose and print, that doesn't cost much, maybe $10 the whole thing and you wrap it and give it to her with a love letter you're set for life :)

The young man next to me who didn't have a gift for her yet said all excited and nervous at the same time "I have $10 dlls and I have pictures on my phone of myself and my mom I can get her that, but I don't know how to write her a letter". Tell me all about your mom I said, describe her to me, tell me what you guys do together, what you do as a family tell me all you want.

He began to tell me a brief story of their family, their interaction, their vacations, their fun, the hardship and once he felt he had summarized it I said take a paper and a pen and write everything you just described to me, make it as long as you want but say as much as you can and with as much description as what you just gave to me,  write as if you're talking to her, it took you about 5 mins. to cover a lot of ground that when you put it down on paper it stays there forever.

You give a letter like that to your mom or to anyone you want to describe your feelings your emotions your love and you gift that to your mom and then you show her how she makes you feel with your actions, that's all a mom ever needs and wants.

I said good night and went to the taco lady to pay and asked to pay for them too. It was just a little gesture of love, I'm sure they felt it when they asked for the check and she said it's covered ;)

I will never forget the Boy in the Taco Stand...

Hugs xoxo

@nit@

Staying in My Comfortable Shoes...

Our conversation early this morning had to do with our relationship with others and how they each impact in our level of harmony and ultimately happiness. We both have different views on it yet we're both looking for the same end result.

I used to be the worst offender when it came to human relationships, I was always kind, that I got from my precious mother and my two grandfathers whom I only knew for a few short years but who left me with the best legacy in human kindness. But I also had the influence of other people in my life who were not as positive nor did they have a strong level of human emotion, non that they would show to the outside world. I learned things from them too as a child, how to be selfish and judgmental, for a long time I thought nothing of it as if it was a normal trait of humans to all be critical of each other.

I'm a different human being now than those two contrasting traits I grew up with, I learned not to judge but it wasn't intentional. I learned it because I was judged and when that happened I didn't like it AT ALL, so I had to see how it felt until I could look at another and no matter what not judge them unless I am willing to wear their shoes and to tell you the truth mine are very comfortable and it's not that easy for me to find comfortable shoes.

So back to our morning talk, my husband tells me he just wants me to be happy so what he does so I can "Be Happy" is to point out all the wrong things he believes other people do to me so I don't give them my attention, as if I'm supposed to be blind and not see what others do. "I just want you to be happy" he says, "But I AM Happy don't you see? I will never ever be able to control the behavior of others towards me, I can only control my behavior and my emotions. If I accept any person in my life it will only be if I am able to love them unconditionally, otherwise people come and go from your life you chose who you keep around."

I want to have the best possible relationship with those I love and care about and the only way that can be is by being unconditional about it, I derive my joy out of my giving or my ability to help others see the good in themselves. I feel happiness when I see them happy!

I think I'm staying on my path and in my shoes, they are quite comfortable...


Hugs xoxo
@nit@

When Opportunity Comes Knocking at Your Door...

Its later today, 6:52 am, indicating the Angels are here with me. I wrote about that once, 52 is the number I encounter all the time without me looking for it, now after all these years of seeing it its become more expected I suppose but I notice it appears either when I'm uncertain about a decision and I'm asking for clarity or when I've done something that makes me feel proud and grow. Those are for the most part the two instances when I see it. Today is definitely a 52 kind of a day for me. I swear that if I didn't experience it myself I wouldn't believe it but it is so true that lessons do come to you many times over until you've managed to make the right decisions. I'll tell you a story that illustrates this, something I'm living in this very moment that also happened to me when I was 23 yrs. old, newlywed with a broken English a husband still in Medical School and moving to Chicago from Mexico City where all we had there was Poppo.

This was in 1979. To make a very long story with the end result (the punchline) being the total opposite of what my new husband and I expected to get. We went there to be with Poppo he was my husband's dad and an amazing guy to the end of his days RIP I miss him terribly. They had seen each other over the years but not lived together since he was six. We both loved him so much and were so hungry to be a part of a family that neither of us felt we had in our parents at home for different reasons.

So we took all we had and moved there with so much enthusiasm and enormous dreams, we climbed and climbed and climbed the ladder but we were never able to have that family that we dreamt of creating and you want to know why? because there was a Wicked Stepmother in the Picture. I forgave her because I didn't really want to waste any time thinking about her but then one day I was put in the very same position that we put her then.

If you think I ever thought that one day I would be divorced you're crazy not me, not my ex and I we were like two peas in a pod, we called each other half of a sphere; but when you come from a broken home I don't think you can truly learn how to love unconditionally. Poppo was great but he was weak, he lived in the past and was always devoted to a wife who never wanted to promote for him to have a real love unconditional relationship with his son. So our attempt to become a part of that family was never to be.

Now I'm the Stepmom, now I'm totally on the other side of the coin, I'm still wearing my other shoes, those of the victim of the Stepmom's decision. That decision she made then I believe affected the outcome of not only mine and my ex-husband's life, but the lives of my children and so on and so forth. But did I learn the lesson well enough so now that I'm on the reverse of the coin I can help my husband and his son who is about to move here with us. In the US for the first time in his life, hardly any English and he is 19. Am I strong enough to give up my routine, my lifestyle, or even where I find my dishes?

I did think about it I wanted to be clear and honest with myself and I believe that I did learn enough to be on the giving seat this time, maybe Poppo whom I adored and spoke to all the way to his deathbed not that long ago RIP I always thought of him as my dad and he thought of me as his daughter in law, yet the day he died my name never appeared on any obituary and his now old and ailing wife meant well, they just didn't have it in themselves to be any different, I understand it wasn't personal but it was hurtful to us then, she made it very clear to us she didn't want us around.

I'm very grateful for the opportunity I've been given to be on this side so that I can try to be instrumental in creating a loving family and watching it grow always surrounded by love and possibilities. You never know what life may bring, here is a new son, new beginnings, but what I do know is that I am grateful for the lesson Poppo and his wife gave me they showed me what decisions to make when "Opportunity Comes Knocking at My Door".

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Magical Morning...

The only thing that makes a 'Morning Magical' is the way you allow yourself to perceive it. Today I felt like the luckiest woman alive because I allowed myself to see it and most of all feel it that way. I was wondering why I don't perceive it quite as good as this sometimes and the only thing I can come up with is that I have come to accept that life is ever flowing and ever changing and that it responds to your vibrations, so when I experience the results of the changes all accumulated into one morning perception, it makes me realize that it does work that way.

It's only passed 6:30 am and I've already done more than most days by 5 pm. and have enjoyed every single thing I did and appreciate the moment as my own creation, I can remember the many times I thought I'd like to have it this way and that way and that other way and there it was all there, all for me to experience and share and love and care and be loved.

My mornings with my husband remind me of those I spent with my kids while they were growing up. They were full of life and full of chaos. When they left for school I had already done a full day's worth of work and still had the whole day to cross things off the 'TO DO TODAY' List!

We start our mornings VERY early due to my husband's job, he has to be at work by 4:00 am, I had already experienced that as well back when I first got married 40 years ago to a medical student and that pattern lasted for years during his residency, social service, specialty and even into his professional years. I don't remember enjoying it at that time when I was young and fresh and full of life's dreams of the future.

So we have this pretty cool routine going on, we turn on the TV on the Argentinian Channel to watch the continuation saga of whatever Argentinian Soap Opera we might be hooked on and didn't get a chance to watch it the prior day, or to watch Mexican or Argentinian news now and then Seattle news, but that's not my choice for sure, I just go along with the program as if we were watching a sport that I don't care for but my husband does or him watching girly movies with me, he loves them just as much as I do by the way ;)

Then we share some Mate this bitter Argentinian tea drank out of a stainless steel straw. I love everything about that Tradition and isn't life made of Traditions we love and adopt? Then I made him some Eggs with Matzah, refried beans, homemade salsa picante and a Delicious cup of Organic Espresso. Now see there I go with my tradidions, just with that breakfast alone you can tell I am Jewish, Mexican, married to an Italo/Argentinian.

Then we both take showers and get ready in our two sink master bathroom, now I've had those too in my life in the past, I did appreciate that I remember, had these bathrooms in my large house when my kids were growing up and it was always a dream of mine to decorate my bathrooms so I did it in that house, painted one in bright oranges, other in turquoise, yellow and mint green, tiled the sink of another to look like a painting I saw and loved. But then I didn't have them for many years and now

that I do I appreciate them that much more. I love the feeling of being in the same room with my husband, feels like the energy my kids would inject into me when they were growing up and giving life to that huge white house where we raised them.

After getting ready we sit for some espresso while my husband has already done and put away two loads of laundry, we make a "TO DO TODAY" list, I might respond to a work e-mail or two, we plan the meal for the evening, I try to clean up as much of the chaos that he makes while he is still here, because I have to admit that once he leaves, whatever is left takes me about an hour to put back together, partially because I derive some of my energy out of his presence, he pushes me to do my best like a body-trainer of sorts and when he leaves I cheat, I sit, I drink coffee, I write, I call my mother in law, I wash the fruit, water the plants, and then in between task and task I organize the chaos.

We did other things, all fun of course, all in great company, with laughter and appreciation, we open the french doors to the little back yard, I had 1/2 acre and 7 bathrooms and felt empty inside, now my cup runeth over so I am able to perceive it with eyes of miracle, wonder, creation, dreams fulfilled, crossed out many lines off my 'Bucket List' .

Its 7:15 am and what a day awaits me. I just hung up with my husband, his first day going to work on the bus from the station that's just two blocks away, he was happy and satisfied and eager to get to work so he can finish and come home to our wonderful routines our family traditions and our walk hand in hand on our path to many more Magical Mornings and Miracle Days!

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Make it Happen on Purpose...

I just read an article written by a man who is 46 years old. I don't recall the exact details but what he wrote was a desperate cry out to anyone who might be wasting time postponing their lives, their dreams, their chance at love, their goals just to be financially sound and then start living.

He was very explicit as to how it turned out for him. Basically what happened is that he dedicated more time to his career and his work than he did to his son and his wife, so about 10 years ago the wife decided that she felt lonely and took on a lover, so she was having the life of a wife, a mother and a lover. It took him ten years to realize he had lost his wife and now that he realized it he said why did I waste all that time trying to build up a future so we could enjoy life as a family and now that I have the financial security I have no family to enjoy it with.

Even though I could see desperation for his loss and how sorry he was that he didn't realize it sooner, I don't really know how much sooner, maybe 15 years ago? I can also see it from the other side of the river.

In my experience and looking at it as something practical. First as a woman myself and having had that same experience, I was the wife of the Doctor, the caretaker, teacher, volunteer, housewife,  cook, housekeeper, gardener, pet caretaker, driver, lover and friend. I set the woman in me aside, I had no time for that, I didn't resent that my spouse was out building our economic future while I was building our family and even though I do consider having done a great job on my side, I still found myself alone at 50 and wondering why!?

To me finding myself at the total opposite end of where I thought I would wind up with the effort I decided to put into raising a family sent me on a whirlwind of emotions, that prompted me to make decisions that I never ever thought I could or would. It was as if giving myself permission to do everything wrong this time, because doing it right as I thought I was, certainly had not brought me the results I expected.

Well of course after a while of making all the wrong decisions I realized that wasn't the path either. That if I wanted to enjoy being alive rather than just existing that I had to do things in a totally different way and I set out to find which way that made sense to me and brought me the most peace and harmony. At this stage you realize that you just have to find that peace and harmony and everything else falls into place.

Right now when I read the rants of this poor 46 year old man with nothing but financial stability I think to myself, I tell you what, you give me the financial stability you have and I will show you how to enjoy your life. You are only 46 years old you still have such a long and wonderful road ahead of you. Maybe it'll be with other people to give your love to and who will love everything about you without the need to go behind your back to love another.

I don't know, I wish I was 46 and had the financial stability that you have, just go out and find happiness again in all that you have and all that you are. It's a wonderful life adventure you just have to go... Make it Happen on Purpose...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Nunca me Dieron un Vestido de Novia...

Estaba sentada con mi esposo esta madrugada bebiendo una tasa de espresso y reflexionando acerca de la vida. Mucha sabiduría sale cuando estás inspirado o ‘En Espíritu’, cuando tienes tu mente relajada, tu corazón abierto, tu intuición alerta y más que nada cuando estas dispuesto a decirte a tí mismo la verdad sin temor a nada! 

Hablábamos de nuestra juventud, nuestro formato, enseñanza, familia, amigos y tantas cosas más, pero una de ellas que me dejo pensando fue al acordarme de mi Vestido de Novia.

Recuerdo que en mi primer matrimonio mi novio y yo éramos jóvenes, estábamos empezando y mi papá QEPD, siempre tuvo grandes limitaciones, trabajaba en bodas como animador los fines de semana y por ende la boda casi no le costó, la orquesta tocó de cortesía, me parece que también el salón y el templo y como fue en domingo solo habían bocadillos. Ahorita lo pienso y hoy por hoy lo haría en la playa con una taquiza de aquellas que no se te olvidan jamás. Como debía de haber sido ese día y no lo fue.

Nadie me regaló mi Vestido de Novia, yo lo tuve que comprar, lo pagué $30 dólares y eso porque era usado. Luego le tuve que hacer algunas modificaciones, le recorté las mangas para hacerlo mío pero no hubiese sido el vestido que yo hubiera elegido si alguien me lo hubiese regalado. 

Años después la “amiga” que me lo vendió terminó divorciandose después de haber engañado por años a su marido y mucho después yo terminaría divorciada de un matrimonio de 30 años y esa familia que había creado con tanto amor, deseo, corazón y dedicación nunca lo volvería a ser jamás. 

Curiosamente hace tres años me volví a casar después de una trayectoria de 10 años sola, viviendo una intensa aventura, tratando de identificar quien era yo y de lo que era capaz. Tampoco ésta vez me dieron un Vestido de Novia, nos casamos solitos en el Registro Civil de San Diego, CA que es una maravilla de Edificio Histórico con mucha personalidad e impecable, frente al mar, llegamos a primera hora en cuanto abrieron porque a mi esposo le gusta ser el primero en todos lados para no tener que esperar, nos casó una juez Latina y le pagamos $14 a otra empleada del Registro Civil para que firmara como nuestro testigo. 

Mi vestido recuerdo habérmelo comprado en Maui, Hawaii mucho antes de que mis hijos nacieran, y ellos ya tienen 27 años, me queda más apretado que cuando me lo compré, entonces tenía como 29 años y hace 3 años tenía 61 pero lo sigo usando. Siempre me ha encantado. 

Después de firmar nos tomaron una foto, no tenía ni pizca de maquillaje en la cara y mi pelo no me había quedado bien esa mañana pero me dí cuenta de que nada de eso me importaba.

De ahí nos fuimos a la Jolla a caminar por las calles, la playa, ver focas, parques, buscar conchitas y piedrecitas. Nos parámos en una planicie y le pedimos a alguien que pasaba que nos tomara una foto que ME ENCANTA! Momentos inolvidables!!! El día siguió igualito que como lo es cada uno de nuestros días, movido, divertido, loco, ligero, con retos, risas y siempre con mucha enseñanza.

Fuimos a desayunar a Harry’s Coffee Shop en La Jolla y comimos aquellos deliciosos pancakes que comí tantas veces que fui ahí con mi familia, para llevarme conmigo el sabor y los olores de los recuerdos de momentos mágicos. 

Nos fuimos a caminar por Seaport Village, Old Town, mi lugar favorito de todo San Diego, nos reímos tomamos muchas fotos, compartí con mi esposo todos aquellos lugares que por tantos años mientras criaba a mis hijos me trajeron incontables horas de felicidad y así empezó una aventura más en mi vida.

“Yo te voy a comprar un Vestido de Novia” me dijo mi Esposo con su voz gruesa y su acento argentino que me derriten “y nos vamos a casar frente al Mar en Mar del Plata, rodeados de familia y a lo mejor no hacemos taquiza, pero que tal empanadas”? “Y bueno”, le dije, “hagamos empanadas”...

Abrazos xoxo

@nit@ 

Life After 44 Years In Prison

Even though I've been out in the world while this man was in prison for the past 44 yrs. and I've witnessed the changes, experienced, adopted and adapted well to them, like him I'm still extremely aware of the changes, I still sit and observe as if I was only a witness. I use them in my life, take full advantage of the things that now exist, don't resist them, but don't necessarily like them either.

I don't believe life is better because of the changes, 7.3 billion people on Earth and too many of them all alone. More illnesses, more crime, a broader gap between rich and poor, less empathy, less direct communication, more distance between humans in general.

People studying, shopping, dating and traveling through a computer instead of going out and re-connecting and when they do re-connect, even unite for a cause, it's only to fight someone else who doesn't see things through their perspective.

We are living longer so it's just more time we have to crave someone to love and be loved in return, someone who cares, someone who needs you to be there, while so many others get love and reject it.

I hope I can meet this man one day, I'd love to be his good friend and have him feel loved again.

Hugs xoxo

@nit@