Raising a Teen...AGAIN!!!

I think raising a teen is way up there as far as challenges are concerned with going through a divorce, I know that much because I've raised two teens, a girl and a boy and I've also been through a divorce.

But what happens when I'm done raising my teens, come full circle through the divorce, gotten stronger and better than ever, gotten happily remarried and all of a sudden I find out I'm about to help finish raising a teen only this time it's not my own. I haven't had a chance to love him unconditionally I didn't raise and hardly know him so he comes to me with somebody else's life hangups and challenges, mom couldn't handle him so I said yes because I want my life partner to have a chance at the same thing I have, the satisfaction that I was always there for my children and they turned out to be two wonderful human beings.

I'm not going to lie and say that it's something I do from the heart because at times it has been very challenging and I've had feelings of resentment because it has come to take away the peaceful private and enjoyable atmosphere that my husband and I had created in our environment.

At first I allowed for the situation to settle down and adjust because I could imagine how difficult it must be for him to come from this little beach town where he grew up where he was in a very negative relationship with his mother. She never saw anything good in him, hyperactive child medicated by a very neurotic and hypochondriac mother, never put any effort into school, all he ever wanted to do was play soccer.

Mom leaves him behind and takes along the good son, the one who likes to study and learn, who is self contained, who caters to her by giving her hugs and kisses and moves very far away. So this kid who had a terrible relationship with his mother is never able to heal and close a circle.

Aren't we supposed to help those who need something we have in us to give? Wasn't I there one day when my ex-husband wanted to have a relationship with his father because he too was raised by a very dysfunctional and negative mother? Didn't his father's new wife make him kick us out of their house just because she was jealous of the re-birth of father and son relationship?

All of that is well and good, I want to be the cause of something good coming out of all this effort we have tried to put into my husband giving birth to the relationship he always wanted to have with his son, but there is also me and my desires, my rules, my needs, my privacy, my relationship with my husband.

So instead of running away and not being a part of this coming of age event in the life of a teenager in partnership with his father, I decided to make the rules very clear.

I will give up the things I've gotten accustomed to that bring me joy and peace, the time to help, the space, the patience, the guidance, but in exchange for that I will need to see passion and interest in learning and making the best choices. I will want to see appreciation for all the opportunities that life is giving him at a time when he didn't know which way to go to become a productive human being.

Now the ball is on his court, he arrived here an arrogant know it all cocky 19 year old who behaves like a 13 yr. old if I'm being generous. The first thing he did was asked dad to buy him video games and collection cards, he begrudged the cell phone we gave him with  unlimited everything. His father signed him up for the gym where I didn't sign myself up because of finances and we had strong disagreements because if I am going to have to clean up someone else's dirty work as far as raising a child is concerned it will have to be my way, otherwise this will never work.

I believe you always have to do the right thing for everyone concerned and that includes me. The other day I told my stepson. If I am stern and strong with you is because I care, the day I stop caring you will never hear from me again. So you have a choice, you either do it in this house with our rules or elsewhere with yours.

I don't care how many times I have attended these meetings with parents with problem children and how much I believe I'd be doing it a different way if that were my child, if when it happens to me I make the same mistakes I see everyone making, trying to be your kid's friend, trying to have him approve of you and like you. I rather he doesn't like me and becomes the best version possible of himself, than like me and become a loser.

There is no doubt that "Raising a Teen" is not easy, but if the Universe sent him to me at this stage in my life it must be for a reason, so I'm going to give it my best shot and see what goes...

It's starting to rain outside again, just like "Raising a Teen"...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

The Happy Rug...

I came up with that title about 25 yrs. ago when my children were only infants. I had the idea my whole life that the day I had kids I was going to be the best possible mom, so I kept on searching for those special out of the ordinary methods to raise them in a different way than how we were raised, neither of us had very clear role models in our childhood, I didn't want to make the same mistakes our parents did and have our kids wind up in the same spot where we were.

The Happy Rug was a game I designed so that we could get together as a family and talk about anything anyone needed either some clarification, some help, ask questions, or just to learn to communicate with one another.

It was actually a lot more fun than I expected it would be and the benefits were priceless.

The kids were very little when we started so they would actually ask for a Happy Rug when they felt the need to express something.

It consisted of the following. The four of us would sit on a rug and the one who had called it would hold a stethoscope on their hand. Only the person who was holding the stethoscope was allowed to talk. We came up with the stethoscope because we were supposed to talk from the heart. Once that person finished what they had to say or ask the one who wanted to talk next would raise their hand and the stethoscope was passed. Everyone got to talk and nobody ever got interrupted even if what they were saying was wrong in someone else's eyes.

We spoke so many times on the Happy Rug, at the end of the session there was always an understanding, a better feeling or emotion, we never ended the Happy Rug on a sad note even if the subject we spoke about seemed sad. We spoke about life, death, friendship, family, relationships, education, sex, world events, future hopes and dreams, ideas, doubts, fears, joys, you name it we covered it.

I remember one time when I made up four little notebooks. The cover was decorated and it had the name of each one of us. The project that day consisted of writing 10 good things we each thought about the other three. So each one wrote in three notebooks and at the end we got to keep the one with our name on it. We each read what the other three thought about us out-loud. I remember how surprised the kids were especially when they read what their sibling thought of them, as children we rarely tell each other the good things we see in them. It also made an impression on them when they were able to see themselves through the eyes of their loved ones.

I can't wait to have grandchildren to pick up where we left off, at The Happy Rug...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

"You're Gonna Miss Them When They're Gone"...

I believe that Unconditional Love has to be understood in all its concepts in order to be able to invite it into our lives, otherwise it can be confused with different emotions. I think all human beings have the innate ability to feel love and  be loved but not unconditionally, we love things or people that bring into our lives some reward, whether it is their company, their exciting personality, their monetary support, the way they treat us or how they can understand and contain us, there is trust too, that's a whole other intense emotion, but hardly if ever to the point of it being unconditional.

Like the word says it is without conditions placed upon the love that we feel for someone. Most of the times the strongest feeling of emotional and mostly unconditional love would be the love of a parent to their children and viceversa, the strongest being that of a mother to her children, a lot of reasons for that being the case, but sometimes even that love is not without conditions, such as a child having strong mental problems that would turn them into criminals, some mothers continue to claim love for their children who deeply hurt others but some mothers have expressed feelings of hatred too.

I find that the best way possible to understand what unconditional love means and try to attract it into your life is going to the one or two human beings that have impacted your life the most, your parents. Nobody is perfect, everyone is going to do something that we are not going to like, but if you really want to learn unconditional love you can't judge your parents unless you are willing to place yourself in their shoes and that's impossible.

Perhaps something your parents did hurt you deeply, but are you sure it is their fault that happened? do you really believe that when they made the decision to take that action that brought you a painful emotion that their intention was to hurt you or perhaps it was their attempt at surviving or evolving themselves as better human beings so that you would have a better frame of reference in your own life of how it's done?

If you ever want to know what Unconditional Love means you must forgive your parents and give them all the Love that you can while you still have them around. Otherwise you will not know how to teach that to your children so you won't receive it back from them either and also because "You're Gonna Miss Them When They're Gone" no matter what. I promise you that...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Raising the Bar...

So we settled into our new "Home Sweet Home", finally able to kick back and look at the end result of a well obtained goal and enjoy the fruits of our walk down this path. We're still going to need to get a few things to make it more comfortable, like a sofa-bed because we are expecting company from family and friends. That was another goal, so here it comes, gotta prepare for that...

Today we had a very busy but lovely new "Morning with Espresso" at 3:00 am my husband went to work and I decided to sit and tend to what I love doing the most, WRITING!!! Writing makes me accountable to myself, it's a reminder to be grateful for everything that shows up in my life and to notice that it all happens first in my thoughts. It allows me to plan my next steps and what my intentions are, not to mention a review of all the magic that is life.

Since I work for a School District I had all summer off, I needed to get a summer job but didn't know what I wanted to do, got lots of offers to go back into the corporate world but I already did that for too many years of my life, sales, NAH! been there, done that, so I decided to do what comes natural to me, take care of children. I raised two wonderful of my own and wanted to give myself the opportunity to help someone else with their children while they have to go to work, I was lucky enough to be a "Stay At Home Mom" but not everyone can.

This proved to be very rewarding, first it reiterated to me that I'm still a child and love to play and have fun. I could write so many stories about these children, all unique, special, blossoming. Like this 6 yr. old who gives me drawings of her and I playing together as she tells me I'm her besty, others tell me their dreams, their joys, even their fears sometimes and they ask me when they can come to my house.

I do crafts with them, play video and board games, get on the swings, go down the slide, ride a scooter, bake cookies, help them decorate their lemonade stand, read to them or just tell them fun empowering stories that flow through my mind, I like them to feel good about themselves, to know that they have limitless potential, abilities and talents,  I take them to the library or the park, teach them words in Spanish, it gives me a chance to see what it will be like to be the grandma that I will be one day, taking my grandchildren up on that treehouse that I'll have to create traditions with then and be very well prepared for that.

Going into peoples homes gives me the opportunity to have a glance into other people's real lives. Not that their outside lives are not real by any means, by real I mean that when we are behind closed doors inside our own home with the people we love and trust the most, we allow ourselves to be more of who we are without having to put on whatever mask or take on whatever role we play every time we step outside of those doors.

As parents we all have one thing in common and that is our intention. We all mean well and do what we do because we really believe that's what it takes to raise our children the best way possible. We want to "Raise The Bar" with them and either give them what we didn't have, or give them all the opportunities so that they can become the best versions of themselves, but that's about all we have in common because everyone does it in a different way and nobody really knows if the way we chose to do it is going to bring the end result that we want. To raise healthy, caring, kind, polite, generous, productive, happy, harmonious, content human beings. They are our responsibility, we are their life guides and their childhood goes by so fast.

As an outsider without any emotional attachment to these families and as the mother of two adult well rounded children I am able to see the mistakes we make as parents, in our choices, lessons we teach them with our actions, too much or too little of anything is not likely to bring the results we want, there needs to be a balance and that goes for everything we teach them, do for them, with them, make them do, give or take away from them, allow or not allow them to do.

I've had a chance to reflect on all the mistakes I made as a parent, though my intentions were always good as most parents are, I too was blinded by my emotional attachment to them but I'm equally as grateful to life for having given me the opportunity to be a mother and now that I can see things a lot more clearly I can't wait to be a grandmother and be there to help my children 'Raise That Bar.'..

Hugs xoxo
@nit@