Raising a Teen...AGAIN!!!

I think raising a teen is way up there as far as challenges are concerned with going through a divorce, I know that much because I've raised two teens, a girl and a boy and I've also been through a divorce.

But what happens when I'm done raising my teens, come full circle through the divorce, gotten stronger and better than ever, gotten happily remarried and all of a sudden I find out I'm about to help finish raising a teen only this time it's not my own. I haven't had a chance to love him unconditionally I didn't raise and hardly know him so he comes to me with somebody else's life hangups and challenges, mom couldn't handle him so I said yes because I want my life partner to have a chance at the same thing I have, the satisfaction that I was always there for my children and they turned out to be two wonderful human beings.

I'm not going to lie and say that it's something I do from the heart because at times it has been very challenging and I've had feelings of resentment because it has come to take away the peaceful private and enjoyable atmosphere that my husband and I had created in our environment.

At first I allowed for the situation to settle down and adjust because I could imagine how difficult it must be for him to come from this little beach town where he grew up where he was in a very negative relationship with his mother. She never saw anything good in him, hyperactive child medicated by a very neurotic and hypochondriac mother, never put any effort into school, all he ever wanted to do was play soccer.

Mom leaves him behind and takes along the good son, the one who likes to study and learn, who is self contained, who caters to her by giving her hugs and kisses and moves very far away. So this kid who had a terrible relationship with his mother is never able to heal and close a circle.

Aren't we supposed to help those who need something we have in us to give? Wasn't I there one day when my ex-husband wanted to have a relationship with his father because he too was raised by a very dysfunctional and negative mother? Didn't his father's new wife make him kick us out of their house just because she was jealous of the re-birth of father and son relationship?

All of that is well and good, I want to be the cause of something good coming out of all this effort we have tried to put into my husband giving birth to the relationship he always wanted to have with his son, but there is also me and my desires, my rules, my needs, my privacy, my relationship with my husband.

So instead of running away and not being a part of this coming of age event in the life of a teenager in partnership with his father, I decided to make the rules very clear.

I will give up the things I've gotten accustomed to that bring me joy and peace, the time to help, the space, the patience, the guidance, but in exchange for that I will need to see passion and interest in learning and making the best choices. I will want to see appreciation for all the opportunities that life is giving him at a time when he didn't know which way to go to become a productive human being.

Now the ball is on his court, he arrived here an arrogant know it all cocky 19 year old who behaves like a 13 yr. old if I'm being generous. The first thing he did was asked dad to buy him video games and collection cards, he begrudged the cell phone we gave him with  unlimited everything. His father signed him up for the gym where I didn't sign myself up because of finances and we had strong disagreements because if I am going to have to clean up someone else's dirty work as far as raising a child is concerned it will have to be my way, otherwise this will never work.

I believe you always have to do the right thing for everyone concerned and that includes me. The other day I told my stepson. If I am stern and strong with you is because I care, the day I stop caring you will never hear from me again. So you have a choice, you either do it in this house with our rules or elsewhere with yours.

I don't care how many times I have attended these meetings with parents with problem children and how much I believe I'd be doing it a different way if that were my child, if when it happens to me I make the same mistakes I see everyone making, trying to be your kid's friend, trying to have him approve of you and like you. I rather he doesn't like me and becomes the best version possible of himself, than like me and become a loser.

There is no doubt that "Raising a Teen" is not easy, but if the Universe sent him to me at this stage in my life it must be for a reason, so I'm going to give it my best shot and see what goes...

It's starting to rain outside again, just like "Raising a Teen"...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

The Happy Rug...

I came up with that title about 25 yrs. ago when my children were only infants. I had the idea my whole life that the day I had kids I was going to be the best possible mom, so I kept on searching for those special out of the ordinary methods to raise them in a different way than how we were raised, neither of us had very clear role models in our childhood, I didn't want to make the same mistakes our parents did and have our kids wind up in the same spot where we were.

The Happy Rug was a game I designed so that we could get together as a family and talk about anything anyone needed either some clarification, some help, ask questions, or just to learn to communicate with one another.

It was actually a lot more fun than I expected it would be and the benefits were priceless.

The kids were very little when we started so they would actually ask for a Happy Rug when they felt the need to express something.

It consisted of the following. The four of us would sit on a rug and the one who had called it would hold a stethoscope on their hand. Only the person who was holding the stethoscope was allowed to talk. We came up with the stethoscope because we were supposed to talk from the heart. Once that person finished what they had to say or ask the one who wanted to talk next would raise their hand and the stethoscope was passed. Everyone got to talk and nobody ever got interrupted even if what they were saying was wrong in someone else's eyes.

We spoke so many times on the Happy Rug, at the end of the session there was always an understanding, a better feeling or emotion, we never ended the Happy Rug on a sad note even if the subject we spoke about seemed sad. We spoke about life, death, friendship, family, relationships, education, sex, world events, future hopes and dreams, ideas, doubts, fears, joys, you name it we covered it.

I remember one time when I made up four little notebooks. The cover was decorated and it had the name of each one of us. The project that day consisted of writing 10 good things we each thought about the other three. So each one wrote in three notebooks and at the end we got to keep the one with our name on it. We each read what the other three thought about us out-loud. I remember how surprised the kids were especially when they read what their sibling thought of them, as children we rarely tell each other the good things we see in them. It also made an impression on them when they were able to see themselves through the eyes of their loved ones.

I can't wait to have grandchildren to pick up where we left off, at The Happy Rug...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

"You're Gonna Miss Them When They're Gone"...

I believe that Unconditional Love has to be understood in all its concepts in order to be able to invite it into our lives, otherwise it can be confused with different emotions. I think all human beings have the innate ability to feel love and  be loved but not unconditionally, we love things or people that bring into our lives some reward, whether it is their company, their exciting personality, their monetary support, the way they treat us or how they can understand and contain us, there is trust too, that's a whole other intense emotion, but hardly if ever to the point of it being unconditional.

Like the word says it is without conditions placed upon the love that we feel for someone. Most of the times the strongest feeling of emotional and mostly unconditional love would be the love of a parent to their children and viceversa, the strongest being that of a mother to her children, a lot of reasons for that being the case, but sometimes even that love is not without conditions, such as a child having strong mental problems that would turn them into criminals, some mothers continue to claim love for their children who deeply hurt others but some mothers have expressed feelings of hatred too.

I find that the best way possible to understand what unconditional love means and try to attract it into your life is going to the one or two human beings that have impacted your life the most, your parents. Nobody is perfect, everyone is going to do something that we are not going to like, but if you really want to learn unconditional love you can't judge your parents unless you are willing to place yourself in their shoes and that's impossible.

Perhaps something your parents did hurt you deeply, but are you sure it is their fault that happened? do you really believe that when they made the decision to take that action that brought you a painful emotion that their intention was to hurt you or perhaps it was their attempt at surviving or evolving themselves as better human beings so that you would have a better frame of reference in your own life of how it's done?

If you ever want to know what Unconditional Love means you must forgive your parents and give them all the Love that you can while you still have them around. Otherwise you will not know how to teach that to your children so you won't receive it back from them either and also because "You're Gonna Miss Them When They're Gone" no matter what. I promise you that...

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Age is But a Number...

I've spoken about this before, I've said it my whole life and I will continue to believe it till the day I die and you can quote ME! "Age is But a Number, and I was never very good at Math!" ~ @nit@

I know our bodies age, but that's just our vehicle, of course every vehicle when it's being used it takes its toll on all the pieces and parts, it starts to fail and eventually it gives up, but that's not us, it's just the vehicle we are riding on during this Adventure.

If you look around my house you see evidence that a child lives here. There are coloring books and many different colored pencils, gel pens, markers, school supplies, binders, markers, staplers, glue sticks and glue guns, crafts all over, from jewelry making to sewing kits, scrapbook albums, shrink a dink. Two of the items on my 'Bucket List' is to get a Doll House and furnish it entirely with miniatures including working lights and the other is to build a House on a large tree in my backyard so that I can go up there with my grandchildren to read them stories and play board games every day.

The other day my husband comes home with a little gift for me. It was one of those Kinder chocolate eggs with a prize inside. He knows I love those little miniatures. It turned out to be a tiny adorable purple whale. the body is hard plastic but right on her belly there is a part that is soft. You squeeze that part while submerging the little whale in water and it squirts from the top like a real whale does. I found it to be so adorable that I take it with me to my daily tub and play with it every time I get in the water.

Yes maybe with the passing of time we get exposed to many things that forces us to adjust our childish desires and chips at our innocence, but inside we are still children trying to live this life with the same joy and curiosity as we did when we first started.

And since "Age is But a Number, and I was never very good at Math!" it's time to go in the tub  to relax, meditate and play with my purple whale.

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

Raising the Bar...

So we settled into our new "Home Sweet Home", finally able to kick back and look at the end result of a well obtained goal and enjoy the fruits of our walk down this path. We're still going to need to get a few things to make it more comfortable, like a sofa-bed because we are expecting company from family and friends. That was another goal, so here it comes, gotta prepare for that...

Today we had a very busy but lovely new "Morning with Espresso" at 3:00 am my husband went to work and I decided to sit and tend to what I love doing the most, WRITING!!! Writing makes me accountable to myself, it's a reminder to be grateful for everything that shows up in my life and to notice that it all happens first in my thoughts. It allows me to plan my next steps and what my intentions are, not to mention a review of all the magic that is life.

Since I work for a School District I had all summer off, I needed to get a summer job but didn't know what I wanted to do, got lots of offers to go back into the corporate world but I already did that for too many years of my life, sales, NAH! been there, done that, so I decided to do what comes natural to me, take care of children. I raised two wonderful of my own and wanted to give myself the opportunity to help someone else with their children while they have to go to work, I was lucky enough to be a "Stay At Home Mom" but not everyone can.

This proved to be very rewarding, first it reiterated to me that I'm still a child and love to play and have fun. I could write so many stories about these children, all unique, special, blossoming. Like this 6 yr. old who gives me drawings of her and I playing together as she tells me I'm her besty, others tell me their dreams, their joys, even their fears sometimes and they ask me when they can come to my house.

I do crafts with them, play video and board games, get on the swings, go down the slide, ride a scooter, bake cookies, help them decorate their lemonade stand, read to them or just tell them fun empowering stories that flow through my mind, I like them to feel good about themselves, to know that they have limitless potential, abilities and talents,  I take them to the library or the park, teach them words in Spanish, it gives me a chance to see what it will be like to be the grandma that I will be one day, taking my grandchildren up on that treehouse that I'll have to create traditions with then and be very well prepared for that.

Going into peoples homes gives me the opportunity to have a glance into other people's real lives. Not that their outside lives are not real by any means, by real I mean that when we are behind closed doors inside our own home with the people we love and trust the most, we allow ourselves to be more of who we are without having to put on whatever mask or take on whatever role we play every time we step outside of those doors.

As parents we all have one thing in common and that is our intention. We all mean well and do what we do because we really believe that's what it takes to raise our children the best way possible. We want to "Raise The Bar" with them and either give them what we didn't have, or give them all the opportunities so that they can become the best versions of themselves, but that's about all we have in common because everyone does it in a different way and nobody really knows if the way we chose to do it is going to bring the end result that we want. To raise healthy, caring, kind, polite, generous, productive, happy, harmonious, content human beings. They are our responsibility, we are their life guides and their childhood goes by so fast.

As an outsider without any emotional attachment to these families and as the mother of two adult well rounded children I am able to see the mistakes we make as parents, in our choices, lessons we teach them with our actions, too much or too little of anything is not likely to bring the results we want, there needs to be a balance and that goes for everything we teach them, do for them, with them, make them do, give or take away from them, allow or not allow them to do.

I've had a chance to reflect on all the mistakes I made as a parent, though my intentions were always good as most parents are, I too was blinded by my emotional attachment to them but I'm equally as grateful to life for having given me the opportunity to be a mother and now that I can see things a lot more clearly I can't wait to be a grandmother and be there to help my children 'Raise That Bar.'..

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

I turned into you Mom...

It's always been said that the older we get the more we know and that's mostly because we have lived longer, have had more exposure to life and the ability to perceive experiences that we have had more than once differently. But that's only if you manage to perceive them differently the second, third, etc. time around.

My mom was an Angel but she didn't give herself that chance to perceive her experiences differently so she suffered a lot and that's one thing I didn't want for myself so I've lived a very different life than hers, made different decisions; but there are some things that I used to criticize my mom when I was younger and in these last few years I've been noticing that I am now adopting them as well.

Like wearing polyester clothes for their stretchability and comfort, not to mention comfortable shoes, wiping the shower when I'm done bathing, or saving the plastic bags from the grocery store to reuse them to line the garbage cans, doubled and all individually wrapped and storing them in the dishwasher that I never use because I much rather wash the dishes by hand.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and see my mom and not me staring back. I also see in my interaction with my children some of the same traits that I had with her and it makes me wish I had her around right now that I'm able to see those actions through her eyes and experience them through her perception. I wonder if my children will experience the same thing one day with their children and look back and see it the way I can now.

This reminds me that if I see something in someone else that I don't particularly like, I better look for it in myself. All I know is that no matter how many times I criticized some of the things that you did, I turned into you Mom...

My love to everyone

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

When Somebody Loved Me...

For some odd reason I've been watching children's movies again more frequently, hadn't done that for years but keep on bumping into them, I guess they are trying to tell me something so I wind up watching and they have told me more than I ever expected to get from them.

Take this song from Toy Story "When Somebody Loved Me" you would have to be made out of Wood (no pun intended) ;) not to cry or at least get emotional after you watch this video, even a Wooden Toy cries at this ;)

So many decades and so many experiences that turn you into a different person but the minute you begin watching these movies that bring back all the hidden memories of your childhood you realize that inside nothing has changed, you just perceive it differently according to your life circumstances at the moment. You just have to stop and remember!
   
I watched the full version of the original Pinocchio by Walt Disney the other day and it transported me into this magical world, I remember feeling this same way the first time I saw it, just listen to the first song "When you Wish Upon a Star" and the concept of a conscience that even though he was entrusted with this wooden puppet making the right decisions, he has NO control over the decisions he makes. I guess he just wasn't paying attention to what his conscience was saying, he just wanted to have FUN! ;)

No matter how old you are the child inside you is still there, still the same, you never stop wanting, desiring, dreaming, loving, caring, feeling, in fact the emotions become deeper because you've experienced so many of them and because you realize you have less time to enjoy them. It's never too late to "Wish Upon a Star" because "When You Wish Upon a Star, it makes no difference who You are, anything Your heart desires will come to YOU!"

Dreams DO come true, go make yours happen....

Hugs xoxo
@nit@

"If I Knew Then, What I Know Now!"

                     

There was an article my daughter sent to me January 18, 2011, exactly a year and a half ago, well I was cleaning my e-mails, too much clutter I don’t need in my life right now when I’ve become a minimizer and very little satisfies me very well, so I see this message of hers asking me to please please please read this article and to do it for her and we’d discuss it later.                                                                                                                                                              
   
Now I’m in the habit of reading everything my children take the time and effort to send to me because I love and respect their words and actions. I have learned so much from them, but this article must have gotten pushed down as new e-mails kept arriving and I had to tend to them and 1-1/2 yrs. passed and just when I was truly ready to read what was on this article it found me again, knocked at my door and said to me, “Hey you forgot about Me, remember me now? Are you ready to read me?” 
                      
 I was actually quite excited to have found it and confessed to my daughter what had happened with it and she said, "well good that you found it, you must read it slowly and take it all in, this is the right time for you to read it", so I did and it just blew me away because I recognized so much of me in it, the good part is that even though all this information is pretty new to me, a lot to take in at once, my intuition has been telling me what to do. or maybe I've just been paying attention to what it says and how it feels and seems that finally, in my older age, I’m beginning to do the right thing intuitively. 
                      
 it only took me 50+ yrs. to get it see? so I can’t possibly not do the right thing now that I know cause I am NOT willing to go through any more discomfort than absolutely necessary or waste one more second of my life, once I’ve gotten over to the other side of the river, nothing is keeping me from moving forward with the fulfillment of my dreams, as many as I can, otherwise it’s like we’ve always done, all of us, looking back and saying “If only I knew then what I know now, then I’d do it different to get better results” but that’s always hind-side, that doesn’t even count, since there is no hind-side, what’s important to remember is that NOW I KNOW BETTER, so if I ignore what I know from my own experiences, then don’t you think I deserve to get the pain and all that comes along with it? If you know now why do we keep on making the same mistakes over and over again, don’t you wonder? Here is a link to the article she sent to me, see how much of it if any, you can identify with.

Do you Love to be needed, or need to be Loved?

As with everything that I write, to whomever takes the time to read I send each and every one my Love. I receive quite a few anonymous comments, thank you for taking the time to do that, but if you ever want me to reply you must leave me your e-mail address. 

Hugs xoxo

@nit@

When Lanny comes marching home again hurrah, hurrah!!!

So about a month ago I’m talking to my daughter on the phone and she was asking me what my life was like in San Miguel, when I realize that what I’m describing to her is ‘Magical’; I must have sounded very convincing because 24 hrs. later she had made arrangements to put together some free time to come visit me, had found herself an inexpensive flight from Boston to Mexico City, and right now I’m on the bus on my way to DF to pick her up and begin a new adventure with one of the two most important people in my life.

It’s been almost a year since we last hugged each other, the phone is great and we stay in touch daily, but there is no substitute for wrapping your arms around your children.

Yesterday I was shockingly reminded of the frailty of our lives with the untimely and tragic death by a freak accident of a woman still full of life and dreams of the future. She left behind a loving family, and amongst them two daughters, who like my Lanny and I, also happened to be best friends. So how do you cope with the loss of your mother, mostly when it was so totally unexpected?

I recently lost my mother, she was only 77 yrs. old, and just before she died, what she wanted more than anything was to see me happy, Although we had been preparing for that dreadful day for sometime because her body was too ill and she was in constant pain, when that day came. what I grieved about the most was that I couldn’t give her what she wanted, because my load in life at the time was rather heavy.

It’s been almost 3 yrs. since the day I lost her, but she will live in me forever, so I needed to make sure and give her what she wanted, and now that I am in a happy place in my life, and make every moment count, I can celebrate her life instead of mourning her death.

So Lanny and I have fantastic plans for the next two weeks. We will tour DF and various cities nearby, visit ruins, museums, go to the hot springs, get a spa treatment, take long walks with Diego, go horsebackriding, etc. but most of all we will create a stronger bond and lifetime memories. I’ll have to get back into scrapbooking because this trip promises to give us enough material to create a great album.

I can’t wait to hug you my child!

To the whole Barbieri family, my most heartfelt sympathy, that comes from a place of understanding and love. May you all find peace in the wonderful memories of a life well lived, and may you continue to find happiness in your own lives, the best way to honor hers.

I want to take a moment to thank all of you who take time to read my words. I write mostly for myself because its through my writings that I manage to view my life from a distance, but like a friend of mine once told me,

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound? " and nothing makes me happier than to know that I made a difference in someone's life, even those of you I don't know and most likely will never get to meet, you all matter to me, so I cherish your comments.

Thank y'all!

Hugs everyone

@nit@

Because We're Keeping the Dream Alive...

When my kids started attending school I began to pay more attention to the way people act and interact, I guess I was reliving my childhood through my children's eyes, while using the wisdom of my years.

I used to volunteer endless hours at their school and after school activities, and noticed how other parents did it. After all children don’t come with instructions and I certainly didn’t know if I was doing it right or wrong. I wanted to be a “perfect” mom, and not do what my parents did, “the best they knew how”. I decided to set my standards high and wanted to learn as much as I could in order to make as few mistakes as possible.

Some of the mothers were right there with me, every day, as volunteers in the classroom and field trips, as well as the multitude of after school activities. There were so many to chose from that I'd go crazy trying to decide which one was best for my kids, so many classes that no matter how many hours they could add to the day there were never enough to do it all, learn it all and be it all, but there we were, trying hard and doing our best.

There were the working mothers and the playing mothers. Those that would meet for coffee at Starbucks and a game of tennis, shopping, a day at the spa, a few trips around the world, some craft making class and wine tasting on Friday night, while the kids stayed with the nannies; or those who couldn’t afford to give their time to the kids because they needed her salary to buy books and shoes. Some I interacted with for years and some I never even met.

Then all of a sudden my kids grew up, and the friendship we had developed over the years started to blossom, but I realized I had put my life on hold this whole time, and although I loved what I did, I needed to find out who I was now.

I knew then I needed to go back to my own childhood and try to remember some of the things I had experienced or maybe even those I left unfinished. I have 'some' very vivid memories of my childhood, but I could hardly remember most of my formative years, I had moved away in my early 20s, so I decided to go in search of my past and started with my long lost family and childhood friends.

I spent many hours doing this, but I had the internet, and never doubted something good would come of this new 'Science Fiction World.' I started by placing a call into my highschool and asked for the principal at the time, to see if he had any information, and found out curiously enough that he was one of my old classmates cousin, so he got me her e-mail address and she gave me someone else's, and in a fairly short period of time, 4 or 5 months, which is nothing compared to the 35 yrs. I had not been in contact with most of them; I had collected about 80+ e-mail addresses. Then I looked for a venue where we could all meet again one more time and catch up with our lives.

I did remember that we were never really a close generation, nor a large one, unlike my kids who just graduated from a generation of almost 1,000, we must have been about 90 give or take. But I did know one thing, that no matter how close we all were, we did have wonderful experiences together for many years, and at one point in our lives, in some of the most impacting formative years, we were spending a big portion of our days witnessing and being a part of each others lives.

And just like the mothers from my kids’ school, there were those who wanted to get involved in making this happen, some that had major careers and trips and busy lives, some who lived very far away, those with not much interest in delving into their past, and some who had challenges and just couldn’t participate.

5 years ago I stood in front of about 70 of my childhood friends. They could have brought Ricky Martin to that party and we would have still continued to talk to each other for hours without paying attention to our surroundings. We had history together and we all seemed anxious to share on the history of the lives we had lived for the past 35 yrs.

We are a very special generation, a lot of stories have come out of our lives, some challenging, some successful, some failures, and we’ve even experienced the loss of a few of our dear friends.

Not long ago I stood again in front of many of them, we put our arms around each other just like we did when we were kids and we will continue to do each time we see each other, with the appreciation of a friendship that lasts a lifetime. A special part of our history. Only this time I know who I am…